summer fun weekend

After a very long and exhausting week, Col and I jam-packed our weekend with fun summer activities!

Friday: Red Wings baseball game (and for free!)

Saturday: Seneca Park Zoo with our niece, sis- and bro-in-laws (again, free!)

Niagara Falls, Canada with Rach, Brenton, and Sadie (our first time on Maid of the Mist!)

Sunday: definitely napped after church (for a couple of hours!)

Summer is winding down fast, but we're still trying to hurry up and get in a few more activities before the weather changes.  Just squeezing out every last drop of summer fun that we can!

[learning to] let go

Today will always be a sad day. 

Three years ago today my Grandma Grower on my mom's side of the family passed away after a year-long battle with cancer. 

And today, my Grandpa Saile on my dad's side of the family passed away.  While it wasn't sudden because his heart has been ailing for quite some time, it's still hard.  And while I am glad that he isn't in pain or suffering anymore, it's still hard to let go and say goodbye.  Growing up, both sets of grandparents would watch my brothers and I when my parents were at work, so we grew up spending time at their houses often.  Holidays were always spent with both sides on the same day, and I never take for granted the fact that we lived so close to our extended families.

So today is for Grandma Grower and Grandpa Saile.  Today Grandpa got to join various family and friends in Heaven.  Thank you both for blessing my life.  I miss you dearly.  I love you!

Grandma and Grandpa Saile at our wedding

weekend retreat

This past weekend we went to one of my favorite yearly retreats: Lake Moraine.  Katie, our friend from college, and her family own a cottage on this small lake and they've graciously let us come for a weekend every summer.  Our first year was in 2007 and we've made it every year since!  I absolutely love being on the water and getting to tube, water ski, kayak, canoe, hang out on the dock, and enjoy being outside.  It's been a great way to mark the years with our dear friends from college and see what has changed and happened in our lives.  It's always a weekend full of relaxation, laughs, and TONS of food (thank you Katie's family for always feeding us)!

Years in review:

2007 - Louisa, Kayleigh, Daisy, Christine, Katie, and I

first year, just us girls

2008 - no group pic but it was John, Christine, Kayleigh, Colin, Katie, and I

celebrated Kay's birthday

2009 - Katie, Louisa, Lyndsay, Amy, Daisy

Col and I were also there

2010 - no pics. I think I'll institute a yearly group pic from now on

 It was John, Christine, Katie, Col and I

John and Christine were newlyweds

2011 - Christine, John, myself, Col, and Katie

newlywed summer for Col and I

this year - 2012 - Katie, Christine, me, John, Colin, and Aaron

our first year with Aaron and Buddy puppy

Without fail, every year I come back refreshed from the two nights we spend there.  Inevitably, I always also come back wanting a cottage on a lake so, so badly.  Thank goodness we can use hers!  Thanks for a great weekend, friends :)

my life verse

Currently at church we are doing a series called "Words with Friends."  The premise is that everyone should have a verse that they base their life around and/or that gets them through life and keeps them focused on God.  Each week a different pastor has talked about his life verse, and we have all been encouraged to write our verse on a tile which is then placed on the large game board (see pictures here on our church blog).

Right away I already knew what my verse was.  It is a verse that I have loved ever since probably middle school, and it continues to guide me to this day.  It's actually the footnote to this entire blog.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

See, I've always been a planner.  Like a super-organized-to-a-T-almost-OCD planner.  So one of the struggles that I most often have is letting go and remembering that God is in control.  It's one of those things that I have to constantly remind myself of and make sure to continually surrender control back to God.  This verse came in handy when I stressed about choosing the right college to go to and what my major should be.  It helped when I worried about never finding the right guy to marry.  It kept me grounded when I freaked out about moving to Spain for 5 months to study abroad.  It reminded me that in no way was I going to have to declare bankruptcy at the age of 22 and default on all of my school loans.  It kept me going when I had no idea what I was going to do with my life in terms of a career (oh wait, that's still true!).  And most recently, it has kept me anchored through one of the toughest, most emotional seasons of my life.  No matter what I was going through, dealing with, or overreacting about (yes, it helps me through the insignificant things as well), this verse reminds me that God is in control, if I let Him be, and that He knows exactly what plans He has for my life and how I can praise and glorify Him through them.  And when I felt hopeless about these situations, I was reminded that He is the One who gives me hope.

(bear with me here as we are about to get real personal...and long winded)

When I decided to write a post about my life verse a few weeks ago, I thought it would be the perfect way to introduce this topic.  While I had been wanting to start a blog for a while before actually doing so this past January, there was one huge circumstance that I wanted to work up to blogging about.  I had read many blogs about this topic and felt that because I love writing, having my own blog would help me continue to heal as well as give me an outlet to later document our journey.  However, this isn't only my story, so I couldn't just lay it all out there.  There are many instances where I've wanted to write about this, but just couldn't find the words and didn't feel that it was the right time.  Sooner or later though I wanted this out, so here goes!

On Monday, September 27th, 2010, Colin and I found out that we would 

never be able to have our own biological children.

(let the dust settle on that one for a minute)

Due to two bouts of childhood cancer, my husband was told that his fertility could be affected because of radiation, chemotherapy, and the drugs used for his bone marrow transplant.  When we were dating, Col told me that he might not be able to have children, but I told him that we would deal with that when we came to it.  I remember feeling so much closer to him that night because of the fact that he was willing to tell me.  Flash forward and we've been engaged for 7 months.  We talk more frequently about it and decide between the two of us that we would prefer to be prepared and know before we come to the time when we are ready to start a family.  Col goes for testing, receives a message, and calls the clinic back for his results.  We were the only ones home at his parents' house that evening, and he took the call in the other room while I nervously waited in the kitchen.  The call was brief.  He came to me, tears already on his face.  I immediately burst into tears, grabbed him in a hug, and knew that the news had not been good.  They told him that his count was 0.  The woman said, "You're getting married soon, right?  Well this means that you and your wife have no chances of having your own children.  And this doesn't protect from sexually transmitted diseases..."  She had the gall to say that.  To say with no compassion in her voice that our dreams of biological children were shattered.  To say in no uncertain terms that this did not give him a free pass to sleep around since he didn't have to worry about impregnating anyone.  Not that this news wouldn't be devastating to anyone, but it was so much harder because of the dreams we already had and our eagerness to have children someday. 

As you can imagine, since that time we have learned how to deal.  I say deal because although we feel we can slowly heal from this as well, there is a part of me that realizes that this is something we might never fully heal over.  It took me a long time in the beginning to be able to utter more than a heartbroken, "Why?" as I prayed.  As we shared the news with our parents, they cried with us and assured us that someday we would have children.  They might not be ours biologically, but we would be able to have a family like we always wanted.  My mom told me that I would need to take time to grieve, that it was a process of grieving what we had lost.  Which was true, we lost something before ever even having it.  And I, being female, lost a whole lot too.  It's impossible to put into words how I felt.  I just kept saying that it was so unfair because of all that my husband had to go through as a child, why would God take this away too?  I was confused, brokenhearted, and wanted answers that I knew I might never get while here on this earth. 

I wrote this once when having a hard day.  It attempts to describe the day we found out:

Our greatest loss

Do you know what it feels like to be 7 months away from your wedding and have to think about the possibility of never having children of your own?  Do you know what it feels like to make a call for news that will change your life forever?  Do you know what it feels like to wait, pacing in the other room, while your fiancé reluctantly dials the number, and waiting with abated breath for what seems like eternity?  Do you know what it feels like to hear the great, great loss from someone who speaks as if they are telling you the weather forecast?  Someone who is more concerned with disease than they are with your broken heart?  Do you know what it feels like to walk to him, breath held, until he collapses in your arms sobbing?  Do you know what it feels like to hear the news that there is a zero percent chance for you to ever father your own children?

Do you know what it feels like to realize that you will never experience the joy of finding out you’re pregnant?  Or feel a baby grow inside of you?  Or experience each and every detail of pregnancy from the morning sickness to feeling the baby kick to the stretched skin of your growing stomach?  Each and every wonder of that time will never, ever be personally experienced.  Can you fathom that?  Is it too much to take in?

Never will we see a baby and get to compare whose eyes or nose he or she has.  Blue or brown eyes?  Red or blond hair?  We’ll never know.  Or see as he or she grows up whose personality traits are prominent.  Detail-oriented or laid back?  Active or introverted?  We’ll never know.

We’ll never know.

However, our story is far from over.  I know that, and I hope that through my daily interactions and reactions regarding this topic I'm able to show that.  I know that God  has a plan, and although it is not the plan that we may have had in our minds, it will be great because it is His.  In no way do I blame God for this loss, instead I mourn sin in this world, but I do know with all my heart that God can turn pain into beauty and can make something good out of any circumstance.  And so for now, on the "normal" days and on the really hard days, I am striving to live out my life in a way that will show God's love through our pain.  And someday through the continuation of our story, I can't wait to see God's work and Him glorified.

_________________________________________________________________________

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

[learning to] leave

Today is bittersweet.

Today is the last day that I lock up, turn off the lights, and step outside of Writers & Books on University Ave.

Today I say goodbye to working 12+ hour Tuesdays, running from one job immediately to the next and working until at least 9pm.

Today I say goodbye to working every single Saturday from 9am-1pm.

Today I reclaim my evenings and weekends and happily give of that time to most of all my husband, myself, family and friends.

Today marks the end of working at this wonderful non-profit that I've called part-time-job-home for the last 3+ years.

So as you can see, it's bittersweet.

I first started here as a college intern during my senior year, excited beyond belief to get into a local literary organization (being an English major and all).  After that internship and with impending doom {ahem, graduation} looming, I was excited to hear about an opening working at their front desk.  I eagerly applied, interviewed, and had the job!  Since then, I've enjoyed working countless events, registering adults and children for writing classes, and enduring all things quirky that come with a non-profit located in the city, all while being surrounded by books and writers (ha, that pun wasn't intended).

However, as anyone knows, working a full-time job and a part-time job at the same time comes with some downfalls.  While Writers & Books has been my calm sanctuary after a high-stress day of work at said full-time job, the time came when I felt the need to move on for my own physical, emotional, and relational health.  The timing was perfected by Col's graduation from grad school which freed up his evenings again and his own start with a steady part-time job.  While he had class, there was no harm in me working, and it was most helpful in ensuring he graduate without any debt.  But now that he has his time back, I want mine.

(as stated before in this post, we kind of did things backwards by not having a lot of time together as newlyweds, so here's to this next year of regaining that!)

Side note: Even after making the final decision that it was time to leave, I endured days of nervousness because I have never in my lifetime quit a job!  That's right, I've always been lucky to have jobs where I simply phase out or not reapply (In high school I worked two summers for summer school, then graduated and moved to college.  In college, all 4 million jobs that I worked at once were all on-campus positions, therefore when I graduated, I was done.  I worked one summer for BOCES summer school, and simply didn't reapply because I was working full-time for AmeriCorps VISTA Rochester Youth Year which was solely a one-year position that ended on its own.).  So this was a whole new experience for me and especially hard because I like it here, and I'm not leaving because of some deep-seated hate or awful experience.  Thankfully, everyone understood and even blessed me with a wonderful gift card to a new restaurant that Col and I are excited to try!

While I am excited to only have one job and more time, I am sad to leave the W&B family who I've known for 4 years.  But I'll keep in touch.  No one can get rid of me that easily!  Thank you all for the laughs, crazy situations, and opportunities that I've had here!

W&B front desk staffies

yes!

I was browsing through past posts on my pastor's blog when I came across this one.  I often get frustrated by the negativity that people have about Rochester, especially because there is so much to do for a smaller city.  Rich in culture, the arts, festivals, tons of restaurants, a zoo, the beach, museums, parks, theatre, music, sports, the list goes on and on!  Col and I love taking walks and exploring new neighborhoods, restaurants, coffee shops, and activities.  Not to mention that all of the suburbs of Rochester hold their own unique activities/experiences.  I love living here and am glad to see that our choice in remaining here in the Rochester area to raise our future family is a good one :)

Follow this link to see what I'm talking about.  Obviously the whole post doesn't apply to me, but you can enjoy my pastor's humor too.

a storm and a celebration

Yesterday I threw Colin a little graduation picnic.  We planned on spending the afternoon at a small, super cute neighborhood park right near our apartment playing lawn games and snacking.  What we didn't plan on was having to quickly vacate the park while narrowly missing an immense downpour complete with wind, thunder, and lightning.

All week we kept checking the weather after hearing about a storm that was supposed to come in right smack dab in the middle of our picnic.  Of course, when you pick a date a month in advance you can't really plan on the weather, but our summer has been so sunny and hot that we figured we'd be ok.

I wish I had been able to photo-document all of us scrambling to pack up everything.  We went to the park, set the food up, and started on a game of washer toss.  About 45 minutes in, it started to sprinkle, which was also when a lot of people started coming.  So there we were, simultaneously welcoming people and sending them back to their cars!  We went back and forth a few times about whether it was going to pass quickly and lightly or get worse.  Hearing thunder in the distance, we decided we were probably safest to move the party to our apartment.  Thankfully, we made it just in time.  While parking and unloading everything again into our apartment, the skies opened up.

The wind made it difficult to eat out on the porch, but we had a good time nonetheless.  Sadly the lawn games had to be forsaken, but it was still a fun afternoon of family, friends, and food (the three best f's).  And it was a little like life: storms will always try to ruin our celebrations, but why not just keep on celebrating in the rain anyway?  Thank you to everyone who braved the storm and came out to celebrate with Col!

That evening, after the food was put away and the last of our soggy guests had left, we were able to spend a quiet evening out on our porch and take a long walk around our neighborhood.  We explored a new place which was absolutely beautiful and back-in-time-ish (yeah, couldn't think of the perfect word to describe it).  On the way home we got caught in another downpour, but this time we kept walking through the raindrops while the sun shone down.

summer

I love summer.

I love eating ice cream at least twice a week with good friends (this past week: Eshleman's and Moore's).

I love hot temperatures (but not humidity - hello frizz-ball hair).

I love hearing kids playing on the playground outside the window at work.

I love sitting on my porch as the sun sets and watching people walk by.

I love being able to just walk out the door without having to bundle up.

I love tending my first-year flower garden (it's still alive!).

I love driving with the windows down (and who cares if that means everyone else with their windows down can hear me singing at the top of my lungs?).

I love picnics and cookouts.

I love fresh fruit.

I love not wearing socks.

I love walks.

I love being by the water.

I love tubing.

I love the drive-in movies.

I love summer festivals, parks, and neighborhood events.

I could go on and on.  I wish summer never had to end.  But if I moved somewhere where it's warm all 365 days, I don't think I'd appreciate all this as much because it would always feel like summer.

Here's to the last month of summer!  I've got a lot of summer activities to fit in!

he did it!!

Graduate school for Colin is officially over!!!  He has his Masters!!!

CONGRATS COL!  I AM A RIDICULOUSLY PROUD WIFE RIGHT NOW!  YOU'RE AWESOME! :)

[did the exclamation points and caps convey all that appropriately?]

It only took a year and a half, but sometimes it felt like a very long journey.  Since Col started classes pretty much right after we got back from our honeymoon, we are now looking forward to having time to spend together that we didn't have the first year and a half of our marriage.  It doesn't hurt to sometimes do things backwards, ya know?  Besides, if we could get through grad school at the beginning of our marriage, we can get through anything (the first year of marriage really wasn't all that hard...). 

We celebrated by going out to dinner with a big gift card we had and seeing "Snow White and the Huntsman" at the dollar theatre (I laughed a little inside last night thinking about how we only spent $12 on dinner and a movie for two as a celebration.  But it fits, seeing as paying for grad school cleans you out, haha).

the graduate :)

Here's to you babe!  I love you!