Happy Easter 2015

This year Easter started off by celebrating our Savior at church.  We couldn't resist getting Ephraim all dressed up :)

 After church, Col's rents came over for a donut breakfast.  We then headed over to my parents' house for the afternoon and enjoyed our traditional Easter dinner and many yummy desserts with my extended fam.  We were able to Skype with Zack and Kristyn, which completed the day.  Thank goodness for technology so he can see his nephew, and EJ his uncle!

It's been such a joy sharing holidays with Ephraim now.  I can't wait for the many years to come as he gets older and can understand them more.  This year, I am forever grateful to have a son to read the Easter story too.  And as I prayed with him, I asked that he may someday know the amazing love of Jesus and His sacrifice for us.  

Hoping your Easter was reflective on how great God's love is for you.

Parent Child Dedication

We were beyond excited and blessed to be able to participate in Parent Child Dedication at our church this year.  I love this Sunday once a year when I can see the beautiful pictures of children and their families and witness the parents' commitment to raise their children up to love and know God.  As much as I love it, I have to admit that the last few years it brought tears to my eyes while I grieved our infertility, failed match, and adoption wait.  But this year, we were up there!  We invited some family and friends to the service to witness our commitment and had breakfast with our family afterward.  What a special day, one that we never thought would happen this year!

adoption updates and reflections

We have been in the adoption process for an official year and a half now.  It feels much longer because we started meeting with families and researching a year before even applying to an agency.  Maybe it's because of my attempt to always control everything, but I wanted to look back and recap what our experience has been so far in numbers.  I know the numbers don't mean anything, because it all comes down to that one "yes" that actually becomes a permanent placement, but I thought it would be helpful regardless.

During our journey thus far we have had:

• 14 - profiling opportunities (that we knew about - we could have been profiled more times "blindly," which we don't always hear about)
• 2 - matches (September '13 and February '14)
• 2 - babies born (baby girl 10/17/13 and baby boy 2/14?/14)
• 2 - matches fail (10/18/13 and 2/17/14)
• 4 - opportunities that we declined having our profiles shown for (which were heart wrenching to do, especially when it came down to finances)
• 2 - we never heard back about
• 6 - no's (prospective birthparents chose other families)

Unfortunately, it feels like we've been given a lot of no's lately.  And it's hard to wonder why we aren't being picked even though only God and the birthmom's know why.  Deep down I know these babies are not our own (although I wish they were!), and so I'm continuing to learn patience and trust in God's timing.

I woke up this morning tired, but feeling hope in a new day.  I'm always trying to balance my emotions and not become too numb but also not allow my excitement to get away from me.  We've found a pretty neutral space where we continue to focus on enjoying our lives and pray every day for the prospective birthmoms and babies who we are called about.  And I do dream and envision, but I also try more to just focus on what God is teaching me here and now no matter what answer we hear.  We soldier on, knowing that God does have a plan, no matter how much the negative voices tell us the opposite.

And you know what else we've had despite the trials?

• Countless - opportunities to trust God, share our story with others, and give Him the glory!

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ~Lamentations 3:22-23

in the valley

Sunday night, I found myself sitting in the rocker in our fully-stocked nursery, my Bible in one hand, tissues in the other, crying and trying to pray.  "Not for a Moment (After All)" by Meredith Andrews, a song we had sang in church just that morning (one that makes me cry every.single.time it plays on the radio or in church) ran through my head, and once again I tried to hold on to the truth in its words.  I had been triggered and hit with an onslaught of emotions that never seem to be too far away, and this time I chose to cry them out in the one room of our house that sits closed up and unused.

I hate to admit it, but more recently I've found myself wanting to give up, over this adoption process.  The days and weeks and months have passed, with the magical "time" of us becoming parents a continued mystery.  When I looked through our adoption profile book a few weeks ago after printing a copy to display at our garage sale, I realized just how much has changed since we created it last year.  Our nieces and friends' kids and babies are so much older, our community group through church has changed a couple times, we've re-arranged rooms and made updates to the house and yard.  Our positions and jobs have changed, our ages, our routines.  It feels so long ago, and yet in this one area of our lives, we haven't moved.  However, we have changed immensely, experienced a new kind of pain, longing, and loss.  We've been reminded of the good and bad that have brought us here, how life just isn't fair, and The One who carries us through.  We've grown in our faith and closer to each other.

I looked around the bright room, at the adorable animals, soft blankets, and board books.  As much as I try not to, I wonder if this room and everything in it will ever get the chance to be used and loved.  I notice the chalk board that I wrote on a few weeks ago when I was struggling, "Little L, come home soon.  Mommy misses you."  I do, I miss him or her with all my heart and yet know nothing about that precious life yet.

  

We've had to make some really hard decisions lately, ones that I don't feel we have the right to make.  Every time we do finally get a profiling opportunity, it's more difficult than the last.  There isn't as much anticipation, merely a self-preservation that allows a few thoughts of, "If this were to be...." but mostly waits to hear that it's not our time.  It's simply, hard.  And even though I hold it together quite well, we both function normally and go through each day without breaking down or causing a fuss, we have fun together, we make plans, we laugh and enjoy life, for me, in the midst of this journey, there are still a million tiny thoughts of longing that cross my mind each day.

In the dark after climbing into bed, Colin asked me how I was doing.  He wondered if I would be able to sleep and held me as I spoke some of my newest fears to him.  When I spoke of wanting to give up, knowing full-well that my practical side won't let me because of all that we've invested in the process thus far (not to mention we have already renewed and are set for another year), instead of telling me that I couldn't, like he did all those months ago when our hearts were broken, he simply spoke of his love for me no matter what happens.  And that's when I realized that my laid-back husband was also experiencing frustration, sadness, anger, and doubt.  

We are both in a valley, one of the many that comes with this journey.  But in order for valleys to exist, there must be mountains.  And even though the climb may be tough, the view at the top is always worth it.  On my hardest days, in the moments when we want to give up, when I want nothing more than to jump in a car and go on a permanent vacation from it all, I know that no matter how much I doubt and question and struggle to believe that the view exists, God has seen that view.  He knows exactly where we will be tomorrow, next month, next year, and forever.  He has a plan, which is most likely different than our own, but which is perfect and purposeful.  It terrifies me and thrills me.  But I know that I am here on this earth to love God and love others, to bring glory to Him.  And if I must struggle in order to do so, then so be it.  I am here to please Him and if our story brings even one person closer to His love and grace, then it is worth it.  He knows exactly where we are, and we must rest in that truth.

So no, we are not giving up.  We are trusting that God has a child in mind for us, that our calling to adopt is still true even though it feels like doors have closed, that we will be parents someday.  That Colin's childhood desire to "be a dad" will be fulfilled.  That our hearts and arms will be full, with whomever God calls us to love, child or not.

when the beautiful causes pain

Tonight with the help of my parents, we cut down the tree in the front of our house.  While right now it's beautifully blooming and welcoming spring, it was unfortunately planted too close to the house and is/can cause problems.  When we first bought our house the inspector said we should remove it because the roots could affect the foundation, the branches tear our screens, the siding would be discolored from the tree blocking it, and I can't plant anything in the flower bed since no sun or rain would be able to nurture it.  At first I was against taking it down, because it does bloom beautifully for a short while in the spring, however that isn't worth the long-term issues that we could have.  Branches are growing through the screens and into our living room when the windows are open, and I'm over not being able to see out our front windows.

I was initially just going to blog about saying goodbye to the tree, but I had a deeper thought and decided to run with it.  How often in life do the beautiful things cause us pain?  Especially today in our society, where "beauty" is everywhere but is often anything but.  And I can't help but think about how adoption is such a beautiful way to grow a family and representation of Christ's love, however it isn't all happy and comes from and causes pain as a birth family chooses a different life for their child, or a child is orphaned, or a birth family's rights are removed.  And how much more does this also represent the gospel, the fact that we are wholly, unconditionally loved, given freedom from our sins and life eternal, yet for this to happen Jesus had to endure the greatest of pain by death on the cross before the beauty of the gospel could be complete.  Something to think about.  I'm thankful God can remind me of these things amidst every day life.

waiting and planning

You know what's hard?  Wanting to plan something and not being able to do it.  Because we have no idea when a baby may enter our lives, it's so hard to make plans that go into the future.  For example, I would love to visit my brother in L.A. because we haven't been out there at all in the years that he's lived there.  But it's hard to book flights without knowing if we'll have an infant then.  If we knew, we could plan and travel when we felt comfortable, not with a newborn, etc.  I've had to tell people that I would be available for two different commitments that are a few months away, but on a "play it by ear" basis.  Which is fine, but as a Type A planner, it is such a struggle for me!  Everything is, "If we have Little L by then..."  At the same time I'm always hoping that we do have Little L by then!

I have to remember that only the Lord knows the true timing of everything in our lives.  Even when we do plan things, no one knows if we'll be able to carry them out.  God knows our steps, our breaths.  But sometimes it's so hard with the adoption waiting game to continue to enjoy life and make plans for fun activities, trips, and events!  We are adamant about living and loving as we wait, of having a full life together, but I just wish I knew what and how much I could do and when.  Because I would be happy to adjust my plans to love on Little L, you know? :)

seeds of encouragement

Love what my desk calendar at work said today:

adoption : one year in

This past weekend we had to update our registration with the agency, as it expires today, March 7th.  I have been dreading doing any updating, just because that means that a year has gone by since we officially began our adoption journey.  While it was pretty painless as not much has changed and the form is now online, it still requires a small fee and the realization that we are going to begin hitting one year marks.

I honestly thought that we wouldn't have to update anything, as everyone at the agency felt that we would adopt quickly.  However, God is the only one who knows His plans, the biggest of which is continuing to teach me to let go of my own plans and timeline.  It's a tough lesson for me, one that I fear I'll never master.  But I'm going to keep trying and keep hoping while I try.

 

Continue to pray for us.  Many days I am discouraged and feel like a baby will never be in our arms or home.  I look around our nursery at all the cute baby things that were given us at our showers and long to use them.  I'm drawn to random babies that we see out and about.  Other days I wonder if today will be the day we get the call that will change our lives forever.  Because you never know, it could be!

Want a tangible way to help us as we wait?  Our puzzle is still waiting to be finished for Little L.  We've almost had two placements, both happened with some surprise in their timing, so you never know when we'll want and need to have it complete.  Please think about it!

Thank you all for following our journey, through the ups and downs and long waiting periods.  We can't wait to one day surprise everyone with a picture of Little L in our arms forever!

 

encouraging songs: Press On by Building 429

 

Sometimes this world starts breaking me down
I get so lost I think I’ll never be found
And there are moments of fear and doubt
Even the best fall to the ground

I am a mess, I am a wrecking ball
I must confess that I still don’t get it all
Lord I believe that all Your words are true
Doesn’t matter where I’m going if I’m going with You
I press on, I press on, I press on
When I still don’t get it

I see the world through my jaded eyes
I get frustrated when there is no Why
I put my focus on worthless things
Even the strong fall to their knees
God only knows what we all need

I am a mess, I am a wrecking ball
I must confess that I still don’t get it all
Lord I believe that all your words are true
Doesn’t matter where I’m going if I’m going with You
I press on, I press on, I press on
When I still don’t get it

Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I will find in You
Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I will find in You
I press on

I am a mess, I am a wrecking ball
I must confess that I still don’t get it all
Lord I believe that all Your words are true
Doesn’t matter where I’m going if I’m going with You
I press on, I press on
I press on, I press on
When I still don’t get it

Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I will find in You
Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I press on

encouraging songs: Broken Hallelujah by The Afters

I can barely stand right now

Everything is crashing down

And I wonder where You are

I try to find the words to pray

I don't always know what to say

But You're the one who can hear my heart

Even though I don't know what your plan is

I know You're making beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain

On my knees, I call Your name

Here's my broken hallelujah

With nothing left to hold onto

I raise these empty hands to You

Here's my broken hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here

You know the story of every tear

‘Cause You've been here from the very start

When all is taken away

Don't let my heart be changed

Let me always sing hallelujah

When I feel afraid

Don't let my hope be erased

Let me always sing hallelujah

Hallelujah

I will always sing

Here's my broken hallelujah

adoption update : the words I can say

Consider this as me "talking about it."  Because even though this is public and not a personalized one-on-one conversation, this is the best I can and want to do right now.  It's just easier to tell everyone "all at once" instead of re-telling it over and over.

Wednesday 2/12 at 5p I was leaving work when Colin called.  He said, "Happy Valentine's Day, oh wait, that's Friday right?  Well, Happy early Valentine's Day to us!  We were blind profiled and she chose us.  The baby is due Friday!  I'll tell you everything when you get home.  Drive safe, love you!"

After months of hearing nothing, we were profiled without even knowing about it (hence the term, blind.  Basically it means that instead of calling us with the case first, they send out profiles and then inform you afterwards).  Not only that, but she had picked us!  What a wonderful feeling to hear that all at once!  I got home, and Col told me everything.  So many things lined up. 

The baby was a boy.  Many had asked me if we would use our girl name again and without a doubt we plan to.  I have loved that name since college and there is no way I can let it go that easily.  Plus, the child who we had been matched with in October does not carry it, so why not?  However, I had told everyone that I now hope our first adoption is a boy so that I can put some space and time between the failed match and name. 

The birthmom had felt drawn to our profile so much that as she looked through others she kept coming back to ours and the thing that finalized her decision was that she had been thinking of the name Zack for the baby, and since my brother's name is Zack, she took that as another connection.  She lives in NYC, and I felt like since opening up to out of state we were saying we were willing to travel, therefore it felt like God was saying, "Ok, here you go!" (even though NYC was always an option). 

We chose (didn't take much!) to accept the case and called our parents and siblings.  We decided this time that even though we were very excited and it was hard to keep the information in, we wanted to wait to tell everyone else once everything happened, once the papers were signed and we had the baby in our arms, because we knew much more this time around how quickly things can change.  The next day I called the agency, and they said they would be in touch.  We told our employers and tried to stay calm and be productive at work.  Thursday afternoon we had an update that they could not get a hold of her and that she was in the hospital.  She had false labor a month ago, so they weren't sure if she was in active labor or not.  Time passed, and Friday morning we hadn't heard anything.  I was getting extremely anxious and decided to call the agency to check in.  Unfortunately, they hadn't heard anything but would leave another message with the NYC social worker.  Because birthmom was in the hospital and no one had a direct way to contact her, the social worker there was having to call the hospital and leave a message with them.  The hospital in turn could only tell her so much due to privacy laws, and so we just had to wait.  We left work Friday evening with only this news: the hospital confirmed that it was active labor and that she had relatives come visit her.  The agency said they would call us over the weekend as soon as they heard anything, but that if not, they would touch base later.

As I'm sure you can tell where this is going, we (and the agency) never heard back from her.  We had to just come to terms with the fact that we have once again had a failed match.  That is two adoption miscarriages that we have been through, and I'm not sure how many more I can take (well, I just don't want to have to deal with any more).  The sad part is, how will I be able to be excited someday when we are matched again?  All I'll be thinking about is that they've failed before, and the next one can just as easily.

Right now, I wonder how any adoptions ever happen or work at all. 
(It's true - take a minute to truly think about how hard it is for birthparents to make an adoption plan for their babies.  To have so much love for another human being that you choose to go through 9 months of pregnancy, painful labor and delivery, and immense heartache as you give them to another family so that they can have a different life.  I don't think I could ever be so brave.)
Right now, I'm trying so hard to trust and hope.
Right now, I'm fighting my bitterness, questioning, and "why us?" attitude.
Right now, I'm thankful that I have my faith and my Lord standing beside me, because even so I'm struggling.

Somewhere out there, is a 4 month old baby girl that I love.
Somewhere out there, is a newborn baby boy that I love.
Somewhere out there, someday, will be a baby that we will get to love in our lives forever.

But right now, I don't want to hear it.  I know it, deep down, I remind myself of it, I listen as family and friends reassure me of it, but I'm tired.  I'm tired of this roller coaster of emotions that always seems to crash at the end.  I'm tired of being "strong," of having more heartache piled on.  I just want to adopt.

But we know, adoption isn't easy.  Even when it works, it's not easy.  And it's lifelong, and we have to get used to that.  I just wish, that something, for once, would work for us with the whole having-children-thing.  Because we are surrounded by the most fertile people I know, who get pregnant on the first try or without trying, and even though I absolutely want to adopt and picture that for our family, can it just happen already?!  Why must we agonize and wait for a child?

As we lay in bed the other night, my husband said to me, "You know how you said you don't know how many more you can take?  Well, you can't give up.  You can be sad, but you can't give up.  Because if you do, we'll never have children."  And so, in the wise words of my strong hubby, we aren't giving up.  But we are weary and wary as we move forward once more.

I ask for your prayers.  Pray for peace, for comfort, for hope and faith.  Pray for our wait, as we once again embark on it.

opening up to out of state

Recently we called our family advocate social worker just to check in and see if there was anything we could do since the phone has been silent.  She said that sometimes it's just like this, which makes sense, because it all depends on how many birthparents they are working with and where they are in the process.  She reassured us that our grids are all pretty open so there isn't much to change, but that the one thing we could update was to open ourselves up to out of state referrals. 

When we first filled out our grids, more than six months ago, we decided to only be open to cases in NYS because out of state can get a lot more expensive with the travel and needing to stay in the other state for a while (you have to be cleared to cross state boundaries).  We decided that if we were still waiting after a year, we would consider out of state.  Our advocate told us that they had a few cases from out of state recently and that the costs were about the same as some of our previous calls.  So we thought about it, both agreed that we didn't want to wait until the year mark that we had previously set, and decided to open ourselves up to it.  Why not?  I don't feel as scared of the possibility as I did before, and we also have the option to say no to a case if it unfortunately is not feasible for us. 

The other night we sat down with the grids, and because they have been re-vamped, we re-did them all.  We checked the box "will consider" for out of state, and now we'll see what happens!  I feel like this step was one of faith and renewed trust that God has every single piece of this journey in His control.  Now we have less to limit us by, so God can work! 

"I will cast my cares on You, the Almighty..."

Today's sermon was partially about 1 Peter 5:7.  At the end of the service, they showed this video and then transitioned into playing it live.  I've never heard the song before, but the artist has a great back story that really drives the lyrics home.  Click on the link below for the video, posted originally on our pastor's blog.

http://www.davidwhiting.org/my_weblog/2014/01/cast-my-care-song-from-sunday-a-video.html

encouraging songs: Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

This made song has been speaking to me lately.  The music and lyrics are so powerful and evoke a lot of emotion within me.  Our adoption journey has been a journey in trust and faith, and this just reminds me to keep asking God to bring us deeper in faith with Him, no matter where He leads us.  I encourage you to take a few minutes and listen.

[learning to] move forward

A couple weeks ago we took some time to update our nursery picture in our adoption profile and mailed our profiles back out to the agency.  Especially now, after being so close, we know we are ready to have a baby and want to keep moving forward.  I still think about that sweet little girl that we were so close to meeting, but I know that she is safe with her mom.  Will I ever forget her?  No.  But I do know that she is ok; we are ok.  And I know that God knows why, for whatever reason, she wasn't meant to be our daughter.  If nothing else, we have learned that our hearts have the capacity to continue to love and hope.

When we sent everything back in, I realized I'm kind of bummed to be back in the profiling process.  Even though we only did it for a couple of months, I didn't realize how draining it was.  It was so relieving to be matched and into the next step, where we didn't have to be glued to our phones waiting for calls.  Only after, now that we are back in the pool, I have to once again get used to having my phone with me at all times, anticipating each call, taking in a lot of information, and deciding whether to be profiled or not.  And I do wonder what it will be like getting that first profiling call again.  Will we have the same excitement, or will we be more wary throughout the process this time?

And so, while we are prepared to wait again, I am trying to once again savor and enjoy the time that we have together as a married couple.  To give up my timeline and thoughts of what life would be like right now and instead embrace the fact that it will change soon enough.  Looking at our beautiful nursery, all of our cute baby gear, I can't wait to use it.  I can't wait for the day when Little L is placed in our arms forever.  When I can sneak in and watch him or her sleeping.  I just can't wait.

That's where we are at.  Moving forward in hope, with faith.  Please pray for us as we continue on!  

[learning to] gain patience

I've been riding the rollercoaster of emotions lately.  Not bad, just beginning to really experience all these swirling emotions that come along with waiting for Little L.  Ahh, Little L.  I can't wait to hold you in my arms.

I had an unfortunate doctor's appointment, where I had to once again speak to why I'm not on birth control.  Yes, I've dealt with it.  And yes, I can easily talk about it.  But no, I don't really want to have to say it again and again every single time I come in.

We get over that checkpoint and things are fine until the end of my appointment when the doctor starts waxing poetic about our other option for having children (after asking if I even want any).  Fine, give me all the options (I do know them, we did think just a little bit about our decision to adopt thankyouverymuch).  However, when I've already told you that we chose adoption, are very happy with our choice and believe it's the best option for us, have finished all our paperwork, and are now waiting to be chosen for a baby, do not keep going on and on about the other option that you obviously prefer.  When I've already told you that essentially I am "paper pregnant," loving an unknown child in my heart, please just say, "Congratulations," or, "That's great!"  Anything to affirm what I've already told you is done (and which I'm very happy about!).  Ugh.

After it had all sunk in (I was polite and conversational until I had the chance to replay the conversation in my mind) and I was leaving the appointment, I just wanted to go home.  Unfortunately, I was upset that evening because of it.  I recently read a blog post about negative, or un-helpful, responses that people have gotten in response to telling that they are adopting.  I guess this was my first!

Also, my patience has been running low these days.  Not with waiting, I'm doing pretty well with that, but with everything else.  I decided that all my patience is being put into waiting and that this is a lesson in gaining even more!  Lesson #1 (out of an infinite number of others): Patience.

 

James 1:2-8
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

 

Proverbs 19:11
¹¹ A person’s wisdom yields patience;
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

guest post

I know, I'm behind on blogging.  Buuuut, check out my guest post on my dear friend Beka's blog A Beautiful Home!  Thanks Beka!! :)

reboot your circumstances

What I want to strive for every day through all circumstances, but especially have been for our most difficult ones.  Such an awesome sermon to hear, especially this week.  If you struggle with responding to your circumstances, please listen here.

4 responses to reboot your circumstances:

-Determined joy
-Unmistakable gentleness
-Prayerful dependence
-Continued discretion

pieces to the puzzle

Friday we heard some unsettling news about the last step of our home buying process.  The grant from the federal program that we went through as first time home buyers was denied.  Unable to do this on our own right now, this grant is the whole reason for going through the program, as they match $4 to every $1 we saved this past year up to a certain amount.  The full grant is quite substantial and makes closing possible.  Fortunately, the bank disagrees with their reasons for the denial, and therefore broke down the information and sent the appeal back with documentation.  They said not to worry, and that they hope to hear back from them by Wednesday, but that we can't do anything about pushing it because it's a government program.

You can only imagine everything that went through our minds.  Not only that, but Col received a call from the tenant that our landlord just found this past week to rent our apartment, wondering when we would be leaving since our landlord mentioned it might be mid-January.  After a couple months of possible tenants falling through, one was just finalized this week.

So not only were we seeing visions of not getting our house at the last possible second because of this grant, but also of having to move in with Colin's parents and search for a new apartment instead of getting to stay where we already are.  And with the possible outcome of this situation, it's easy to think of all the other plans we have for ourselves having to be postponed indefinitely.

This home buying process has been more difficult than I thought it would be.  We've already made it through many stresses the past couple of months with various issues, and have waited longer than many for a closing date, but we never anticipated this one, being as we were approved for the program back in December 2011.

The past couple of days have been a little emotional for me in other ways too.  There are times when the weight of our infertility decides to rest on me for a while.  Don't get me wrong, it's so much easier for me than it was a couple years ago, but it's something that has a way of creeping back and reminding you of the negative instead of the positive.  I can be as excited and hopeful as can be about the future, but then that twinge returns.  That pestering voice that asks the age old question, "Why?"  And when another situation in life proves more difficult for us, sometimes I follow that voice, open the door, and take the stairs where I end up in the basement of, "As if we don't have enough to deal with already," and, "Why does everything have to come so hard for us?"

And so, I'm brought back to my life verse and the promises that God has for me, for us.  While thinking more about it today, in the middle of a crazy, stressful, long, and tiring day at work, I couldn't help but remember that this is just one more piece in the unfinished puzzle.  That right now, we only see parts of the finished product in each situation and our lives.  They might not be the prettiest or nicest pieces, but God knows the outcome.  And that outcome will be so beautiful that it won't matter what each piece is like on its own, all we'll be able to see will be the whole.

We have to not think too far ahead of ourselves and instead just learn to trust.  To trust that whatever happens, we will be ok.  It's scary, and it seems impossible, but we have to remember that these struggles are not the end and everything is in more capable hands than ours.  I have made the choice to not think about all the terrible circumstances that might happen, but instead to pray, wait to see what really does happen, and take it day by day from there.

Check out "Even If" by Kutless

"See you later," not, "Goodbye"

My friend whom I've known since Kindergarten is pursuing her dream and moving to Nashville in the coming week.  It's so hard and so scary to put yourself out there and jump into the unknown (I was similarly petrified when I moved to Spain for 5 months to study abroad), but I couldn't be prouder of her for taking the risk.  Saturday we got to spend the afternoon together in our hometown exchanging Christmas gifts, making truffles, and getting smoothies from this tiny coffee shack.

Her impending move made me remember how I felt when I left for Spain as a 20 year old college student.  I had my freak outs, bawled my eyes out saying goodbye to family and friends, and thought more than once, "What the heck am I doing?!"  However, that 5 months was so much more than I could have ever imagined and all my fear and tears were worth what I gained while there.  At the end of my journal from that time, I wrote these lyrics from Superchick's song Suddenly:

"And suddenly it isn't what it used to be,
And after all this time it worked out just fine.
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be.
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here."

Isn't it funny how God knows what's best for you even when it feels like the worst idea ever?  Even when things don't turn out the way we imagine them, He stretches us, grows us, and shows us His love all along the way.  I am praying that the same will be true of Deanna's quest to Nashville.  As I wrote in her Christmas card, "Go get famous!"  I love you friend!