becoming mom

One year ago today I became: an adoptive mom, an advocate, a NICU mom, a part of a transracial family, a boy mom, a successful match, a first-time mom, an Adoption STAR parent. But most of all, I became MOM.

My heart is full. Today I remember that amazing, emotional, wonderful day one year ago when I first laid eyes and hands on our son!

Happy 1st birthday, my precious boy!

One.  I can't believe that you are already 1.  I always knew the time would fly by when everyone said so, but I never knew how fast.  I've spent a lot of time reflecting as your birthday draws close, and my heart is full of so many emotions.  And as we all know, I've royally neglected this blog while learning how to balance our new life as a family of 3.  But even though I might not be able to get down all of the thoughts that I've been mulling over, I wanted to make sure to do this day its justice, not only for you, but for J as well.

You see, your birthday is not about the day that we became parents.  It's about you and your birth mommy.  Because when you came into the world one year ago today on October 14th at 6:43pm, we had absolutely no idea.  Daddy was just getting home from work and I was out with my family at an alumni fundraiser basketball game watching my dad play.  I sat there, composing a very different one year blog post in my head, one in which I would write to the little girl who was our first match, and who was about to turn 1.  

I had no idea that on this night one year ago, the world would change forever for a woman who I didn't know but who would become a part of my heart and thoughts.  She gave birth to you, a precious, tiny 5 lb 7 oz baby boy.  And while sometimes it makes me sad that I wasn't there, I also feel that it was a sacred time that I do not want to disrupt.  Because while I've never given birth, I can only imagine the wealth of overwhelming emotion and pain, especially when an adoption plan is involved.

And so, while I watched your grandpa play basketball, with a heart that still ached and longed to be a mommy, while daddy wound down after a day at work with a hundred kids, none of which would come home with him, J bravely and selflessly delivered you into this world.  Your story outside of the womb on this earth began.  And it's okay that we didn't know it yet.  Because this is all part of your story, and this day is reserved for you to celebrate the incredible love that J has for you.  The bond that she forged with you for 9 months, culminating in your birth.  And while we pray that this isn't the end of your story with her, for now we have to celebrate without her.  And so, this day we celebrate you and we honor the woman who gave you life and taught you the great depths of a mommy's love.  Today is your day, together.

Tonight, we will light a candle at 6:43pm for J, your birth mommy, to symbolize our love, thoughts, and prayers for her and to include her in our celebration.  Happy birthday, sweet one.  We love you, so very much!

Adoption finalization!

We have officially finalized Ephraim's adoption into our family!  It only took about 10 months, but we are now stuck with each other forever (and we're really ok with that :)).  

Leading up to finalization I was thinking about so much with our adoption journey and J.  I couldn't help but think that even though she had no idea that Wednesday had extra meaning, I wish that she knew how he was, who he was.  I wish she was here to see him grow up, experience some of the joy that we get to every day.  To know he's happy, safe, loved.  To know that we love her, that we are forever grateful to her, but that we also support her.  

Until you've been through an adoption, whether your own journey or alongside someone else's, you never really understand the complex emotions that come along it all.  To feel the honor, joy, unworthiness of raising a child not born to you, but to also feel the pain, hurt, and wonder how birth families are doing.  To be happy to finalize, make permanent a child's placement into your family and home, but to know that it means there is a mom, a dad, a family out there who is missing and loving that same child.  It's the ultimate in learning that you can experience multiple emotions at once, and a huge lesson in empathy.

For some, finalization is much anticipated and anxiously awaited.  However, we've always felt that it would happen when it happened (the fact of the matter is, the courts are slow).  Because nothing could really change (we are well past the 90 day revocation period), we've always felt that we just wanted to enjoy our son and when the last paper was signed, it would be joyous, but would not change how we feel about keeping our hearts open to an open adoption, or birth families, or Ephraim.  And when our date came, we enjoyed it very much!

Court was scheduled for 10a, prime nap time, so Ephraim had 10 min. of sleep before we scooped him up, dressed him up, and headed out.  My parents, Col's parents, our nieces and my sister-in-law accompanied us.  Even as we went through security, one of the guards was joking around with us and guessed correctly that we were there for an adoption.  He said our judge was a great guy, one who went to his church (yay!).  Once we got upstairs, we weren't there long when the clerk said the judge was ready, and we made our way into the surrogacy courtroom.  We sat at a table with the judge and our lawyer, confirmed our names, date of births, etc, and signed one paper.  Then he shook our hands and said, "It's final!"  The judge was great, talking to Ephraim, shaking his hand too.  And the whole ordeal took 5 minutes.  It's funny, after having our entire lives as one giant open book, signing tons of documents and paperwork, it only took one signature.  Then we got some pictures and took over the room for a few minutes until Ephraim had had enough and wanted to go home and sleep (unfortunately that meant no smiles from the man of the hour for pictures).

We spent the rest of the day with family and had dinner with everyone at our house that evening.  It was the perfect way to celebrate Ephraim and his Family Day.  And when we tell him of it for years to come (if he cares to know), may he know that while he became a permanent part of our family that day, he did not lose a single part of his birth family.  His birth certificate may hold our names now, but we will never withhold the truth of his background from him.  And I hope that for him, Family Day will mean the love of his entire family, birth and adoptive.

I'm bored guys, so I'm going to blow bubbles.

Mother's Day 2015

My first Mother's Day.  Even though this was my first, I had so many emotions swirling around that weren't all what one might expect.  I was most certainly happy and grateful to be a parenting mama this year, instead of still waiting to hold my baby in my arms.  But I was also reserved and reflective.  Once you've felt something different for a much celebrated day, once you know the pain that is associated with it, or know how much ache it can cause, there really is no way to forget it.

Don't get me wrong, we had a great day.  Col had asked me what I wanted to do prior to the day, and of the suggestions I came up with, we completed them all.  After church the three of us went to breakfast, a delicious diner breakfast just like I wanted (the toast always tastes better at diners, don't you agree?).  Once home, Ephraim took a nap and Col ran an errand, so I treated myself to catching up on one of my shows (but also couldn't neglect the laundry no matter how much I told myself to let it go ;)).  Col wrote me a sweet card and framed two photos of Ephraim and I for my desk at work.  One was the first time I held him, the day we met him when he was two days old.  The other was a recent favorite mommy and Bubs selfie.  We made it to the Lilac Festival and saw the crafts before it down poured.  And we completed the day by meeting my parents for ice cream at a local fave in my hometown.  It was simple but wonderful, mostly because Col didn't have to work and I spent the day with my boys.

But a part of me was remembering how hard it was to go to church and see the sweet Mother's Day video.  A part of me was remembering the "Happy Mother's Day!" exclamations being tossed around, the celebrations, the posts on Facebook.  A part of me was remembering the thoughtful acknowledgements by dear friends who had sent me texts and notes last year saying how they saw me as a mom in every way, a mom who just didn't have her baby yet.  

A part of me was remembering the pain of those who weren't able to celebrate with their moms, family and friends included.  I remembered my grandma.  

A part of me was remembering those who had lost children, in and outside of the womb and who felt like moms (and are, always and forever), but who also might not have been acknowledged as such.  

Most of all, I remembered the ache of waiting, of adoption loss, of the little girl, our first match, who is now a year and 7 months old, her sweet mom, and Ephraim's birth mom.  

I prayed all those who were struggling with the day had comfort, support, a friend to listen even if they didn't understand the pain.  And I pray that I can be that friend to those who are waiting, who feel the pain of loss, who wish they could just hide in their house all day and pretend it was any other day.

I felt a lot today, but I also felt grateful, blessed, and content.  And thankful that God allows us to experience multiple emotions and empathy, that our past pain is a part of who we are today, and that we can celebrate it, in my case, with a chunky 7 month old.

Honoring J

Today is National Birth Mother's Day, and with Mother's Day tomorrow, I've been thinking even more about the amazing woman who chose to give life and chose adoption for our sweet Ephraim Jacob.  It's still very hard for me to not know her, not know how she's doing, and not talk to her about Ephraim.  We longed for a relationship with our child's birth mom and birth family before we knew who they might be.  However, we also respect the wishes of J, because it's the least we can do for her, when she has given us so much.

So even though we don't know her personally, we love her, honor her, and will always speak of her often.  She is a part of Ephraim and a part of our lives and hearts, even though we've never met her.  She is the brave woman who made a completely selfless decision, based on what she felt was the best choice for her baby.  She entrusted us to raise her child, and we will always remember that even though she is not raising him, even though some may not even know her story, she is a mother.  She is a mother in the greatest sense of the word, who put her child's needs before her own.  She, in the short time that she had, did everything she could for her little one by making the biggest sacrifice.

Birth mother's are often overlooked.  The pain and loss of adoption is many times forgotten or denied.  But it's important to remember that with each creation of a new family, one was broken.  She is not seeing him grow into the fun, happy boy that we know.  She doesn't get to experience new things with him, wipe his tears, and make him laugh.  And this loss will never be lost on us, even in our overwhelming joy at the blessing that Ephraim is to us.  

Even though I can't celebrate her the way I wish I could, spending time in person or over the phone, I will be thinking of her all day, both today and tomorrow on Mother's Day.  I will tell Ephraim what we know about her, and we will say extra prayers for her tonight, as we do every night.  Because never could I overlook the woman who gave life to our child.

God Found Us You

One of my favorite books to read to EJ is "God Found Us You."  I had actually never read it before, but had heard a lot about it, and thankfully one of my dear friends gifted it to us after Ephraim was born.  While it does not use positive adoption language in one area ("give up" instead of "made an adoption plan"), I love that it talks about his birthmom and each and every word is perfect to our adoption experience as adoptive parents.  It's amazing how perfectly someone else can capture the emotions and thoughts that I had while waiting.  Without fail, each and every time that I read this book, I cry.  I can barely read the end as I struggle to speak through tears, tears now of joy, but also of remembrance of the painful parts of our story.  Most of all, I'm thankful that God used our willingness to be a home and a family for a child who would need one, to bring us to Ephraim's birthmom, and then to Ephraim.

FAQ's about Little L

Hi everyone!  We've had a slow morning around the house today, which has been nice.  But now that Bubs is sleeping and Col's off working, I thought I would try to catch up on some blogging!  This morning while lying in bed I was running through this post in my head, so it's time to finally get it written!

We've been asked some questions since bringing Little L home, and I thought I would cover those that have been asked the most frequently.  If you have any others, I'd love to read them in the comments!

Q : How do you say his name?

A : Ephraim is pronounced "ef-ruhm"

Q : How did you come up with his name, Ephraim Jacob? / Did you name him?

A : Yes, we named him.  I first heard the name Ephram in the show Everwood which I watched in High School (I know, kind of lame).  The name is also in the Bible (spelled Ephraim and often pronounced differently), and means "fruitful."  I've loved it for many years, and we are so excited to finally get to use it!  Colin came up with the middle name of Jacob to go along with it.

We did decide on a nickname a while ago to use alongside Ephraim and in case he hates having a "different" name someday, which is E.J.

Q : What is his nationality?

A : Little L's nationality is American (he was born in Buffalo).  But I know that the question everyone means to ask is, what is his ethnic/racial background?  He is bi-racial, half Caucasian and half African American.

Q : What do you know about his parents?

A :  Everything actually because that's us!  As for his birth parents, we have minimal information as everything happened very fast with his case (less than 24 hours!).  The information that we do have, we are limiting our sharing of because even though we are very open and love to talk about adoption, we realize that this information is a part of Ephraim's story, not ours.  We will share with him all the details that we have as he grows and his adoption will also be known to him, but it will ultimately be his choice whether or not, and what, he shares with people about his birth family and background.

Q : Did you meet his birth mom?

A : No.  Unfortunately per her the adoption is closed at this time.  This is where most people say that it's better that way, and I wholeheartedly disagree.  We are open to an open adoption, open to the point of having contact and visits every year with birth families.  This does not mean that we would be co-parenting or "sharing" him.  He is not an object which we have won.  He is a child who should have the opportunity to know his biological parents.  When you are educated on the positive impact this has especially on the children involved in the adoption triad (child, birth parents, and adoptive parents), it is extremely disappointing when you are not able to have that relationship.  We loved meeting the potential birth mom from our first match.  And we would love to have that connection for Ephraim, so that he could know his roots, ask questions that we don't have answers to (and there are many), and physically see and understand the love that everyone has for him.  At this time, we send pictures and letters to the agency, and we are praying that someday a relationship can be formed and the adoption opened.

Q : Isn't there a time period where the birth parents can decide to parent even after making an adoption plan?

A : Yes, in New York State birth parents can change their minds within 30 days of when the paperwork was signed/placement happened.  For us, that was on October 16th, and we are past that 30 day period.  All that is left are completing our three post-placement visits with our social worker (we've had one so far), and then finalization which happens at court and with our attorney.  This usually takes up to a year because the courts are slow, but we aren't worried as it's a formality.  We will get his social security number and birth certificate at that time, but he's already a permanent, real part of our family and we don't need the courts to tell us that :)

We are over-the-moon in love with our little guy as are our families and friends.  We feel extremely blessed to be given the opportunity to raise him.  People often say that a child who has been adopted is lucky, but we are truly the lucky ones.  It's also not lost on me that our adoption fundraiser puzzle was completed the day Ephraim was born, and that his birth and placement was almost exactly a year after our first match (he was born 10/14/14, she was born 10/17/13).  God works in mysterious ways!

part 3 : supporting adoptive families

Posting Part 3 of one of my favorite blog posts ever.  I posted Part 1 here and Part 2 here, but am so excited to finally do the last installment as we are now home with our baby!

It's a little late since we've been home for a little over a week now (and I am embarrassingly behind here on very important updates!), but we are experiencing so much of this from our amazing families and friends.  Thank you all!

Millions of Miles: Supporting Adoptive Families

3. Once families are home:

•All the same rules apply as when you bring a baby home from the hospital. Bring food, offer to coordinate meals and food drop-offs for church groups. Come over and clean. Wash clothes and put away laundry. Wash dishes. Do not believe the A.F. when they say they do not need help. THEY DO!

•Respect the A.F's rules regarding holding their new addition. Many families may wish to not have any outsiders (this includes Grandma!) holding their child so that this child who has been with many caregivers can learn who mom and dad are. A.F's do not do this to hurt your feelings. They are only doing what they feel is best for their new child. Do not make them feel bad about this.

•Also- sometimes to foster attachment in our adopted kiddos, the parent's don't want to leave them with a sitter or family member for a long period of time after coming home. Understand that this is not because the family member or sitter is not trusted or loved. It is just to help give the new child the right sense of family and permanence.

•Offer to run the carpool, run errands, cut the grass, babysit the siblings, pick up items at the grocery. New moms are notoriously sleep deprived- even if this is the 10th child they've adopted. Drop over a huge cup of Starbucks. Say hello at the door with said cup of coffee and leave.

•Give gift cards for takeout and pizza- so that long after the food welcome wagon has stopped coming, the family can still eat without having to cook! Seriously- who wants to cook when you've been up all night with a crying baby?

•Even though the A.F. did not give birth, families who are bringing home new children will be exhausted from long nights in the hospital (domestic adoption), long flights or a week or two in a foreign land with a new child who has most likely been screaming non-stop or acting out because the child has no idea what is happening to them. Give the A.F. the forum to share how ragged they are. Do not judge them. Every single part is not going to be perfect. Let them get how hard it all is off their chest without feeling guilty about it.

•Watch for post adoption depression. It is a real thing. Just because a woman isn't flooded with pregnancy hormones, doesn't mean that she can't develop depression. There is a lot of leadup going into an adoption and sometimes the reality is tough and can lead to lots of emotional ugliness. Be supportive.

•Do not expect adoptive parents to be "super parents". I find that there is a huge stigma that adoptive families should have it all together because they "paid a lot" for their children. All families are on a learning curve- no matter how they got their children. Do not be quick to dispense advice if you've never adopted a child (because parenting an adopted child in the early days is a lot different than a biological child), but be quick to say, "How can I help?"- Then be willing to actually help!

•Most of all, share in the joy that comes with bringing a new child into the family!

See the whole post here.

the story of Little L : part 2

Thursday morning while we were getting ready, I received a call from the agency.  All too familiar with the pain of last year's morning-of call, I made Col answer it because I just couldn't.  Thankfully, it was just a call to adjust our arrival time to the agency by a half an hour.  Phew!  We finished our errands and headed out, when I got another call.  I answered and told our family advocate that she was killing us with all her calls!  She agreed but said that she made sure to make her voice upbeat, because these were thankfully happy calls!  She wanted us to know that Ephraim's birth mom had signed the paperwork, so we were on track to continue there.  It was nice to know that we didn't have to wonder on our drive there, but we couldn't believe that this was finally really happening!

Once at the agency, we signed the placement paperwork and then followed another social worker to the hospital where he was.  We blindly went in, up the elevator and through the doors to the NICU.  Then into the room he was in, where she led us to the back left corner, to peer in and see our beautiful, tiny bundle!  I immediately began crying because it was just so amazing to see this precious babe who was now our son!  She took a few pictures, introduced us to some of the hospital staff who got us set up at the Ronald McDonald House, and soon left.  We learned more about why he was there and even had to sign a consent form for a procedure for him that evening.  Talk about being rushed into parenthood!  It was a blur of an evening but so amazing to finally hold our son, this baby who we and many others have prayed for!

Ephraim was on antibiotics for pneumonia, however his labs came back clear that he never had the infection nor any others.  But because the course had been started, he had to finish it out for the full seven days.  Also, he had low blood sugar and was first receiving glucose in an IV to supplement his regular feedings.  When that wasn't enough to get his numbers up, he was given a PIC line which more directly delivered the glucose.  Over a few days, they were able to quickly decreased the amount of glucose that he was given and then he was off the line.  It was wonderful to watch his numbers get better so quickly, and he spent the second week at the hospital completely off any glucose.  His numbers were monitored every three hours, and they wanted him to maintain a certain level for 24 hours.  While he did well, he would often have one borderline low number each 24 hour period, usually around 3a.  So we waited and waited for his body to regulate.  The doctors and nurses were not concerned as this is a common issue that they see, especially in smaller babies.  He was deemed full-term, but born at 5 lbs. 7 oz.  They reassured us that his body would regulate on its own, it just took time.

We invited our parents and Colin's sister and brother-in-law to come up on Friday to meet him, and that was a fun day.  We enjoyed the weekend, with visits from our parents again.

Colin had to leave on Monday and come back to work.  I was fortunate to have my mom stay with me for a couple of nights and days, my mother-in-law come up for an evening, and my dad sit with me on Friday.  It was rough, draining, and exhausting to be in the hospital for those 11 days.  I constantly reminded myself that I had much to be grateful for as Ephraim was doing well, and the preemies who we shared rooms with would be there for months, not weeks.  But it was a new experience and overwhelming as we waited for him to regulate.  It was hard being there every day, usually from 9a to 9p, while Col was back in Rochester.  We missed each other, him wanting to be in Buffalo and me wanting to be home, missing my bed, bathroom, house, and dog.  We just wanted Ephraim to come home but knew we couldn't rush the process and wanted him healthy most of all.  There were a few moments while there that were the most overwhelming for me, as the emotions of our super fast placement and the days in the NICU wore on me.

We were blessed by being able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House, which was overall amazing.  We couldn't say enough about it, and it was especially great once Colin left because they offered a shuttle to and from the hospital so I didn't have to worry about not having a car there.  Meals were made every day and the fully-stocked kitchen was always open.  It was a comfortable, safe, and very minimally priced place to stay, which was greatly appreciated.  That first night when we checked in, I looked around at the families eating dinner and was speechless at how, in 24 hours, everything had changed.  I was a MOM and a NICU mom.  Crazy how life happens, isn't it?

Thankfully, we were able to hold him whenever we wanted, change and feed him every time we were there, and some nurses even began including us in other aspects of his care since we were there so much.  We took his temperature every time they did vitals, and I got to give him a sponge bath one evening.  The nurses and doctors were amazing, and we got to know a few of them who worked multiple days during our time there.  I sometimes felt like I was a tech in the room, joking with them, getting used to all the monitors, beeps, etc.  I became proficient at changing and moving him with all of his wires attached.  And it was comforting for me as a new mom to always know what his oxygen levels were.  

On Friday, they said that we would probably be discharged on Saturday but that they were sending me home with a glucometer to check his blood sugar ourselves every three hours.  I was taught how to use it, and felt comfortable as I had seen it done a million times already.  Colin came back up that evening after work, and we were reunited again.  

We were happily discharged on Saturday late afternoon and finally arrived home as a family of three!

Everything changed for us in 24 hours.  God is SO good and faithful!

the story of Little L : part 1

It was a typical Wednesday (as they always are).  At 4p, I got a call from our adoption agency, and as I ran into the nearest closet at work to take the call (any extra offices and the conference room were being used), our family advocate told me that they had a last minute profiling opportunity where the baby had been born the day before.  They needed to know by 4:45p that day if we would like to move forward and be profiled.  I began my stalker-calling of Colin, who was working with gym full of kindergarten through second graders, so I had to repeatedly call and text in order for him to 1) feel his phone go off and 2) realize that there was an immediate need.  I ran through the details of the case with him, and we both quickly agreed that we were fine with moving forward.  I called our agency back, did a little quick research, and finished up my workday.  As I began my drive home, I felt like this call was different for some reason.  Why I wasn't sure, because I had become very good at just thinking that it would be another "no."  However, I started to pray non-stop about it.  At 5:15, I received a call from our agency again.  Having no time to hook up my blue-tooth, I answered after a quick debate and decided that I did not want to miss this call.  Asked if I was driving, I was instructed to pull over.  I still wasn't really feeling anything either way, just a calm as I found a parking lot and put the car in park.  Our family advocate then said, "I'm calling because I wanted to tell you that you have been chosen!"  I was in complete shock, I believe I asked, "Really?!," and began to cry.  She proceeded to go through the details and information that she needed that night and what we needed for the next day.  Still in shock, I finished my drive home, jumping in my seat, praising God out loud, and crying the whole way.

Once home, I could not wait to tell Colin.  Since he gets out of work at 6p, I knew I had until about 6:30 to try and wait patiently.  Running around the house like a chicken with my head cut off, I tried to figure out how I wanted to tell him.  I settled for making a sign and pulling out the Adoption STAR shirt we had from our first match.  Then I waited.  And waited.  At 6:45, he called and said he was just leaving now, the latest he's ever gotten out (go figure on this day of all days!).  He said I was probably texting him so much because dinner had been ready for a while (to which I replied, "Um, sure...").  I told him to hurry home and then decided I might as well make dinner since he was on his way.

When he walked through the door I couldn't contain my excitement, and told him that before he did anything else, he had to read this sign.  He seemed a little confused but quickly caught on, and I told him we had been chosen!

We tried to eat dinner, and then decided that while we knew all too well how quickly things could change at this point, we wanted to tell our parents and siblings.  So we used Mendon to tell our news.  The picture below was texted to our families, and both moms responded first asking for clarification.  Both on the phone at the same time, we told them that we were getting a puppy.  My mom resignedly said that was what she thought and went on and on about it before I interrupted her and said that was not true and that we had been chosen by a birthmom and were meting the baby the next day!  Colin's family was all in the car together, and he heard an audible collective sigh at the "puppy" news.  To which he also explained we were kidding and gave them the news.  The sweetest moment was when he heard our 5 year old niece get out of the car at the end of the call and say, "I can't wait to meet their new puppy!"  She hadn't caught on to the change in the conversation, but we knew she would be even more excited about a new cousin.

We called our employers and explained that we wouldn't be in the next day, then made lists of what we needed to get done.  I can't remember what time we climbed into bed, but I do know that I didn't sleep well.  I woke at some point in the early morning hours with major anxiety that once again we would find ourselves so close and things would change.  However, we spent the morning hours getting ready, installing the car seat, and packing overnight bags for our next adventure!

17th puzzle update!

Our puzzle is complete!  I am so excited to frame it and constantly look at all the wonderful people in our lives who already love Little L so much!  We are truly appreciative of every single one of your and your generous donations for this fundraiser.  Someday, when Little L is in our arms, we will show him or her over and over all the names of everyone who helped bring him or her home!

  

Special thanks to:

Lyndy

Carol, Rob & Joey

Valerie

16th puzzle update!

6 more!  You know you want your name on the puzzle for Little L to see, right?! ;)

 

Special thanks to:

Avery & Connor

to ask or not to ask [adoption waiting]

Many of our family members and friends have commented in conversation about if or how they should ask us about our adoption process.  We greatly appreciate that people are being sensitive as this has been and continues to be a difficult time for us as we wait and experience the many emotional highs and lows.  We always want to be open and honest about all the aspects of our process, and so I thought I would try to share my feelings a little more here.

We are at all times willing to talk about our adoption process.  I love sharing our story, even if sometimes on the hard days I forget that.  One thing that makes this hard for both us and those who are asking is that oftentimes our answers aren't very informative, or rather, we have no answers at all.  This is because we simply have no new news to share.  And because of how quickly news can change (as we are well-aware), we are practicing some self-preservation by not notifying others of profiling calls until after we have heard back that we have not been chosen.  It's easier to do this because we have so many people in our lives to share the news with, but it's too hard to get others excited and then have to re-contact everyone to share our disappointment.  We know that most everyone is willing to ride these ups and downs with us and support us through them, but we are trying to manage our own expectations when we get these calls, therefore it's easier to just fill everyone in afterwards.  If you are ever wondering what has been happening lately, you can always check our adoption timeline.

There are also some well-meaning comments that we receive often which actually do bother me.  I've found that with most I'm not easily offended and will happily inform, educate, or answer.  Very few have upset me but with those that do, I'm learning to practice grace.  Some days I fail at that.  It's true that right now we are feeling kind of "over it" in terms of our journey as a whole.  If you want to ask about the process, by all means please do.  Just be prepared that I am gong to be honest about how we are feeling at that time.  No, I will most likely not become a huge ball of tears, anxiety, and emotion (although this has happened...), but please know that we are not going to sugar-coat the difficult aspects of the process.

Here are some of the frustrating comments we hear most often:

• "It's ok, you have lots of time" or "You're so young!" : Anything along the lines about how young we are really rubs me the wrong way.  While I am more sensitive to the topic because I am often mistaken to be anywhere from 9-14 years younger than I actually am, I ask that you hear me out on this.  Yes, I understand that we are a couple of 27 year olds (and in my case a trying-not-to-think-about-it-almost-28-year-old) and that in our culture today it is more common for people to wait longer to have kids, etc.  But in our case, we always wanted to be young parents.  My parents had their children all before my mom was 30, and we also have many other family members and friends who have or are having their children in their mid-20's.  We always wanted to start the process of growing our family after being married for 2 years, and that is what we did.  To me, yes I am young in general, but I do not feel young in respect to how I pictured our family at our age now.  While this is something that I am continually working on by letting my plans go and allowing God's to be, I still encourage those who have said or thought this to put themselves in our shoes.  Think back to when you started to work toward growing your family and when you felt that was best for yourself.  You may have been younger or older than us, but the jist is that it was what you felt was best for you and this is what we feel is best for us.  So while we may be young to some, it is what we wanted, and it's hard to watch the time stretch by.  Again, think back to when you were trying to get pregnant and maybe it took longer than you expected.  Those days, weeks, and months of waiting is exactly how we are feeling too.  Solidifying the difficulty is the fact that we can't "just get pregnant" and try adoption later.  This is the way that we can grow our family, and the way that we have fully embraced.

• "Are you sure your agency is doing everything they can for you?" or "The system is messed up!" : Ok, this could go in a million directions and probably be its own post, but I will keep it simple: we have the utmost confidence that our agency is doing everything they can.  They are well-established, have an amazing track record, and offer more services and education for both birth families and adoptive families than many other agencies (which is very important to us).  No agency is perfect, but so much of the process is out of both our hands and their hands.  We are being profiled a lot more than many other families (because of how open our grids are), and since we have done everything we can in our control, the agency is able to do what they can for us by profiling us with cases that they know we are open to.  After that, no one except the prospective birthmom and God can control what happens from there.  They can not, nor should they, influence the choice that the prospective birthmother makes because she is the one who needs to feel confident in the family she is considering for her child.  Not to mention, I get the feeling that our agency is also wondering why our journey is taking longer than the average, but this again comes back to the fact that none of us can know or understand because it's ultimately up to God.

• And for those who may wonder about our limitations or are just curious, here's a refresher : We are open to either gender, any and all races and ethnicities, and any state within the U.S.  The health history/exposures grid is a lot more complicated, but we are open to considering a lot.  We have asked for advice from our agency, and we are going to update a few details in our profile book (such as Colin's job change), even though they feel that our profile is a great representation of us and our life.  There are no easy answers or fixes and along with us, our agency feels like we have done well with what we can, and that unfortunately it is what it is.

The good news is that we have been profiled a lot.  While it's emotional and difficult because this stacks up to more no's, it's also encouraging knowing that we have had more chances.  The fact that we have been getting calls and had recent opportunities is better than waiting for months with nothing.  And I think it's God's reminder that no matter what happens or how many opportunities we receive, He is the only one to know what baby (and hopefully, babies) we will have the privilege of raising.  Since He already knows, we have to rest assured in that, even when it takes every ounce of our strength.  

15th puzzle update!

Only 8 pieces left!!  SO close!

Special thanks to:

Donnie & Marcie

14th puzzle update!

Only 11 pieces left!!

 

Special thanks to:

Linda & Brian

adoption updates and reflections

We have been in the adoption process for an official year and a half now.  It feels much longer because we started meeting with families and researching a year before even applying to an agency.  Maybe it's because of my attempt to always control everything, but I wanted to look back and recap what our experience has been so far in numbers.  I know the numbers don't mean anything, because it all comes down to that one "yes" that actually becomes a permanent placement, but I thought it would be helpful regardless.

During our journey thus far we have had:

• 14 - profiling opportunities (that we knew about - we could have been profiled more times "blindly," which we don't always hear about)
• 2 - matches (September '13 and February '14)
• 2 - babies born (baby girl 10/17/13 and baby boy 2/14?/14)
• 2 - matches fail (10/18/13 and 2/17/14)
• 4 - opportunities that we declined having our profiles shown for (which were heart wrenching to do, especially when it came down to finances)
• 2 - we never heard back about
• 6 - no's (prospective birthparents chose other families)

Unfortunately, it feels like we've been given a lot of no's lately.  And it's hard to wonder why we aren't being picked even though only God and the birthmom's know why.  Deep down I know these babies are not our own (although I wish they were!), and so I'm continuing to learn patience and trust in God's timing.

I woke up this morning tired, but feeling hope in a new day.  I'm always trying to balance my emotions and not become too numb but also not allow my excitement to get away from me.  We've found a pretty neutral space where we continue to focus on enjoying our lives and pray every day for the prospective birthmoms and babies who we are called about.  And I do dream and envision, but I also try more to just focus on what God is teaching me here and now no matter what answer we hear.  We soldier on, knowing that God does have a plan, no matter how much the negative voices tell us the opposite.

And you know what else we've had despite the trials?

• Countless - opportunities to trust God, share our story with others, and give Him the glory!

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ~Lamentations 3:22-23

13th puzzle update!

Guess what?!  We are SO close to finishing our puzzle!  Only 13 pieces left! 
We would love to have it finished soon so that we can frame it and put it in the nursery. 
Each piece is $10, and we'd love to have 13 new people contribute!
 

 

Special thanks to:

Stephanie & James
Emily & Dogs at Play

"A Thousand Years"

I'm out of the loop in terms of the vampire genre as I really have no interest in it, so I'm a little late in hearing this song from Twilight.  It came on one of my Pandora stations a while ago and since then has become one of my adoption songs.  While it's about romantic love, almost all of the words are also perfect for a waiting parent/adopted child relationship.  Whenever it comes on, I can't help but sing it for the one I'm waiting for.

"A Thousand Years"

Christina Perri

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone,

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

in the valley

Sunday night, I found myself sitting in the rocker in our fully-stocked nursery, my Bible in one hand, tissues in the other, crying and trying to pray.  "Not for a Moment (After All)" by Meredith Andrews, a song we had sang in church just that morning (one that makes me cry every.single.time it plays on the radio or in church) ran through my head, and once again I tried to hold on to the truth in its words.  I had been triggered and hit with an onslaught of emotions that never seem to be too far away, and this time I chose to cry them out in the one room of our house that sits closed up and unused.

I hate to admit it, but more recently I've found myself wanting to give up, over this adoption process.  The days and weeks and months have passed, with the magical "time" of us becoming parents a continued mystery.  When I looked through our adoption profile book a few weeks ago after printing a copy to display at our garage sale, I realized just how much has changed since we created it last year.  Our nieces and friends' kids and babies are so much older, our community group through church has changed a couple times, we've re-arranged rooms and made updates to the house and yard.  Our positions and jobs have changed, our ages, our routines.  It feels so long ago, and yet in this one area of our lives, we haven't moved.  However, we have changed immensely, experienced a new kind of pain, longing, and loss.  We've been reminded of the good and bad that have brought us here, how life just isn't fair, and The One who carries us through.  We've grown in our faith and closer to each other.

I looked around the bright room, at the adorable animals, soft blankets, and board books.  As much as I try not to, I wonder if this room and everything in it will ever get the chance to be used and loved.  I notice the chalk board that I wrote on a few weeks ago when I was struggling, "Little L, come home soon.  Mommy misses you."  I do, I miss him or her with all my heart and yet know nothing about that precious life yet.

  

We've had to make some really hard decisions lately, ones that I don't feel we have the right to make.  Every time we do finally get a profiling opportunity, it's more difficult than the last.  There isn't as much anticipation, merely a self-preservation that allows a few thoughts of, "If this were to be...." but mostly waits to hear that it's not our time.  It's simply, hard.  And even though I hold it together quite well, we both function normally and go through each day without breaking down or causing a fuss, we have fun together, we make plans, we laugh and enjoy life, for me, in the midst of this journey, there are still a million tiny thoughts of longing that cross my mind each day.

In the dark after climbing into bed, Colin asked me how I was doing.  He wondered if I would be able to sleep and held me as I spoke some of my newest fears to him.  When I spoke of wanting to give up, knowing full-well that my practical side won't let me because of all that we've invested in the process thus far (not to mention we have already renewed and are set for another year), instead of telling me that I couldn't, like he did all those months ago when our hearts were broken, he simply spoke of his love for me no matter what happens.  And that's when I realized that my laid-back husband was also experiencing frustration, sadness, anger, and doubt.  

We are both in a valley, one of the many that comes with this journey.  But in order for valleys to exist, there must be mountains.  And even though the climb may be tough, the view at the top is always worth it.  On my hardest days, in the moments when we want to give up, when I want nothing more than to jump in a car and go on a permanent vacation from it all, I know that no matter how much I doubt and question and struggle to believe that the view exists, God has seen that view.  He knows exactly where we will be tomorrow, next month, next year, and forever.  He has a plan, which is most likely different than our own, but which is perfect and purposeful.  It terrifies me and thrills me.  But I know that I am here on this earth to love God and love others, to bring glory to Him.  And if I must struggle in order to do so, then so be it.  I am here to please Him and if our story brings even one person closer to His love and grace, then it is worth it.  He knows exactly where we are, and we must rest in that truth.

So no, we are not giving up.  We are trusting that God has a child in mind for us, that our calling to adopt is still true even though it feels like doors have closed, that we will be parents someday.  That Colin's childhood desire to "be a dad" will be fulfilled.  That our hearts and arms will be full, with whomever God calls us to love, child or not.

12th puzzle update!

Special thanks to:

Kris & Julie