you are not alone

We were honored when we were able to take part in a local photographer's very special project this past summer.  Titled "Infertility and Loss," it chronicles the journeys of five couples who have struggled through infertility, miscarriage, and perinatal loss.  It is important for us to be open to sharing our story so that others can feel understood.  There are so many who suffer their heartaches in silence, and we want to help open up communication.  Enjoy!

October is Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month

I posted this on Facebook recently, but feel that it is important and wanted to also write about it here.

Throughout our infertility/adoption journey, we have been fortunate to meet so many amazing people and become connected to a network of people through infertility and/or adoption, as well as those who have suffered miscarriages.  I feel as though infertility and miscarriages/infant death are still subjects that many keep to themselves, even though support and efforts are gaining ground.  However, I've also found that the biggest way to love and support is to be open with your own story so that you may bless another who is suffering through it. Ever since we went "public" with our journey, I've heard from so many people who have shared their own stories with me and thanked me for being open with ours.  Colin and I have also had the privilege of being a part of a loss photography project, which I hope to share with you all soon!  It's amazing how honesty in pain can open you up to so many new experiences and relationships.

Lastly, I am also a daughter to parents who lost a child at the age of 8 (when I was five) and a friend to many who have felt the loss of their babies in utero. October is Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month, and I'm sharing this in honor of those whose stories I know and those who are suffering in silence.  Please visit the link below for ways to help those who have experienced Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/10/10-ways-honor-friends-child-died-october/

the sting of infertility

This blog is awesome.  Awesome that it encompasses both infertility and adoption so well.  I'm reminded that while becoming a parent will fulfill our ache for children, it will never take away the sting of infertility.  I haven't had a lot of time to read a lot of her posts, but these are two that resonated with me.  Since I haven't had a lot of time to write lately, I'll let her speak for now!

http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2013/01/how-to-support-your-infertile-friend/
http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2013/01/feeling-forgotten-infertility-hurts/

[learning to] gain patience

I've been riding the rollercoaster of emotions lately.  Not bad, just beginning to really experience all these swirling emotions that come along with waiting for Little L.  Ahh, Little L.  I can't wait to hold you in my arms.

I had an unfortunate doctor's appointment, where I had to once again speak to why I'm not on birth control.  Yes, I've dealt with it.  And yes, I can easily talk about it.  But no, I don't really want to have to say it again and again every single time I come in.

We get over that checkpoint and things are fine until the end of my appointment when the doctor starts waxing poetic about our other option for having children (after asking if I even want any).  Fine, give me all the options (I do know them, we did think just a little bit about our decision to adopt thankyouverymuch).  However, when I've already told you that we chose adoption, are very happy with our choice and believe it's the best option for us, have finished all our paperwork, and are now waiting to be chosen for a baby, do not keep going on and on about the other option that you obviously prefer.  When I've already told you that essentially I am "paper pregnant," loving an unknown child in my heart, please just say, "Congratulations," or, "That's great!"  Anything to affirm what I've already told you is done (and which I'm very happy about!).  Ugh.

After it had all sunk in (I was polite and conversational until I had the chance to replay the conversation in my mind) and I was leaving the appointment, I just wanted to go home.  Unfortunately, I was upset that evening because of it.  I recently read a blog post about negative, or un-helpful, responses that people have gotten in response to telling that they are adopting.  I guess this was my first!

Also, my patience has been running low these days.  Not with waiting, I'm doing pretty well with that, but with everything else.  I decided that all my patience is being put into waiting and that this is a lesson in gaining even more!  Lesson #1 (out of an infinite number of others): Patience.

 

James 1:2-8
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

 

Proverbs 19:11
¹¹ A person’s wisdom yields patience;
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

unexpected blessings

Recently I've been reflecting on one aspect of our adoption journey that I didn't really think about much, but that has been a huge blessing, and frankly a bonus of our experience thus far.  It began happening when we started to be more open about our infertility.  The topic would come up about children or pregnancy, and with those I felt comfortable with and in situations where it made sense, I would respond that we were unable to have biological children but that we had exciting plans in order to grow our family.  Simply being open about the fact that we are infertile, even if mentioning it casually and without telling our whole story, seemed to give others the go-ahead to do the same.  I learned others' stories about their own infertility, and it was nice to form that bond, knowing that even if it were never mentioned again, there was someone else who really "got it." 

Not only did this happen in my own work/life community, but when we attended our first adoption class and had to go around the room to introduce ourselves, someone about halfway through said that they had experienced infertility and tried treatments but were now adopting.  I had to chuckle as every single couple after them stated something similar (we were second to last, and I was going to say it anyways).  Infertility is still such an unspoken issue (even though much more prevalent than many think - due to this unspoken-ness!), and even though each and every story is very different, I am glad that there are those out there willing to share, as this then gives others a chance to share too.  No one wants to go around telling everyone everything, and I know many people, us included, don't talk about it for sympathy.  However, it is an issue, it hurts, and it can also sometimes put people on the outside looking in.

More recently, I have been amazed at how many people, even just within my workplace, are touched by adoption themselves.  I would have never known, and the only reason each person has shared is because we shared our story.  Think about it: First introductions usually don't go like this, "Hi, I'm so-and-so, going to be working in the whatever-office, and I was adopted."  No one I know has ever done that, and why would they?  Yes, it's a huge part of someone's identity, but do I go around saying that I have OCD tendencies or that my husband and I aren't able to have biological children?  No!  But, how many times have you experienced, being brave and sharing a part of your story, only to be blessed by someone sharing theirs?  It has by far been the one perk that I never would have expected.  It also makes me more and more aware of how important it is to embrace our story and share it boldly and proudly, all the happy, sad, tough, rough, and miraculous moments.  Isn't that part of why we are here, to lift others up, be in community, and love?

And so lately, I've been thankful for this part of our story, because without it, our eyes would have never been opened to some of the stories of those around us.

"Everyone has a story to tell.  You just have to loosen up and tell it." ~ Jim Rhodes

pieces to the puzzle

Friday we heard some unsettling news about the last step of our home buying process.  The grant from the federal program that we went through as first time home buyers was denied.  Unable to do this on our own right now, this grant is the whole reason for going through the program, as they match $4 to every $1 we saved this past year up to a certain amount.  The full grant is quite substantial and makes closing possible.  Fortunately, the bank disagrees with their reasons for the denial, and therefore broke down the information and sent the appeal back with documentation.  They said not to worry, and that they hope to hear back from them by Wednesday, but that we can't do anything about pushing it because it's a government program.

You can only imagine everything that went through our minds.  Not only that, but Col received a call from the tenant that our landlord just found this past week to rent our apartment, wondering when we would be leaving since our landlord mentioned it might be mid-January.  After a couple months of possible tenants falling through, one was just finalized this week.

So not only were we seeing visions of not getting our house at the last possible second because of this grant, but also of having to move in with Colin's parents and search for a new apartment instead of getting to stay where we already are.  And with the possible outcome of this situation, it's easy to think of all the other plans we have for ourselves having to be postponed indefinitely.

This home buying process has been more difficult than I thought it would be.  We've already made it through many stresses the past couple of months with various issues, and have waited longer than many for a closing date, but we never anticipated this one, being as we were approved for the program back in December 2011.

The past couple of days have been a little emotional for me in other ways too.  There are times when the weight of our infertility decides to rest on me for a while.  Don't get me wrong, it's so much easier for me than it was a couple years ago, but it's something that has a way of creeping back and reminding you of the negative instead of the positive.  I can be as excited and hopeful as can be about the future, but then that twinge returns.  That pestering voice that asks the age old question, "Why?"  And when another situation in life proves more difficult for us, sometimes I follow that voice, open the door, and take the stairs where I end up in the basement of, "As if we don't have enough to deal with already," and, "Why does everything have to come so hard for us?"

And so, I'm brought back to my life verse and the promises that God has for me, for us.  While thinking more about it today, in the middle of a crazy, stressful, long, and tiring day at work, I couldn't help but remember that this is just one more piece in the unfinished puzzle.  That right now, we only see parts of the finished product in each situation and our lives.  They might not be the prettiest or nicest pieces, but God knows the outcome.  And that outcome will be so beautiful that it won't matter what each piece is like on its own, all we'll be able to see will be the whole.

We have to not think too far ahead of ourselves and instead just learn to trust.  To trust that whatever happens, we will be ok.  It's scary, and it seems impossible, but we have to remember that these struggles are not the end and everything is in more capable hands than ours.  I have made the choice to not think about all the terrible circumstances that might happen, but instead to pray, wait to see what really does happen, and take it day by day from there.

Check out "Even If" by Kutless

love wins

Family, friends, fellow bloggers!  I am SO excited to share that we won a recent contest on another blog that I frequent daily (bonus: it's written by a professor from the college I attended)!  The blog focuses on marriage as well as living frugally and the content is wonderful!  This contest was titled "Love Wins" and was about how love has won in your marriage against difficult circumstances.  The focus was on making young couples' first marriage their only marriage.  I am so thankful that our story has another outlet to help others and show how great God is!

Please check out our entry via their blog...and I recommend adding her blog to your reading material :)

[confused? feel behind? check out our whole story here]

ubiquitous happenings

You know how when you get a new car or someone that you know has a unique model that you are just noticing for the first time, all of the sudden you see that car EVERYWHERE!  You can't go anywhere without seeing at least one drive by.

Lately I've been feeling that way [again].  Once this became our reality, I was surrounded by the seemingly uber-fertile or saw pregnancies everywhere.  I would go to church, the store, or just be out and about and felt like I was always reminded of what I couldn't have.  Often I've felt like this was so cruel, however, my practical side knows, it's just life.  And thankfully, God continues to get me through.  But bear with me, because it's been a little difficult lately. 

Tonight I was reminded once again that I will always be surrounded by this, especially for the next good number of years at this age in my life.  However, while there are good days and bad days, overall things do seem to be getting better.  Plus, I feel so blessed by the babies that are in my life who I get to see and enjoy often.  I thank God that I'm able to take part in the lives of my friends and family through their experiences and with their precious bundles.  AND, I am so excited for our future plans :)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

my life verse

Currently at church we are doing a series called "Words with Friends."  The premise is that everyone should have a verse that they base their life around and/or that gets them through life and keeps them focused on God.  Each week a different pastor has talked about his life verse, and we have all been encouraged to write our verse on a tile which is then placed on the large game board (see pictures here on our church blog).

Right away I already knew what my verse was.  It is a verse that I have loved ever since probably middle school, and it continues to guide me to this day.  It's actually the footnote to this entire blog.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

See, I've always been a planner.  Like a super-organized-to-a-T-almost-OCD planner.  So one of the struggles that I most often have is letting go and remembering that God is in control.  It's one of those things that I have to constantly remind myself of and make sure to continually surrender control back to God.  This verse came in handy when I stressed about choosing the right college to go to and what my major should be.  It helped when I worried about never finding the right guy to marry.  It kept me grounded when I freaked out about moving to Spain for 5 months to study abroad.  It reminded me that in no way was I going to have to declare bankruptcy at the age of 22 and default on all of my school loans.  It kept me going when I had no idea what I was going to do with my life in terms of a career (oh wait, that's still true!).  And most recently, it has kept me anchored through one of the toughest, most emotional seasons of my life.  No matter what I was going through, dealing with, or overreacting about (yes, it helps me through the insignificant things as well), this verse reminds me that God is in control, if I let Him be, and that He knows exactly what plans He has for my life and how I can praise and glorify Him through them.  And when I felt hopeless about these situations, I was reminded that He is the One who gives me hope.

(bear with me here as we are about to get real personal...and long winded)

When I decided to write a post about my life verse a few weeks ago, I thought it would be the perfect way to introduce this topic.  While I had been wanting to start a blog for a while before actually doing so this past January, there was one huge circumstance that I wanted to work up to blogging about.  I had read many blogs about this topic and felt that because I love writing, having my own blog would help me continue to heal as well as give me an outlet to later document our journey.  However, this isn't only my story, so I couldn't just lay it all out there.  There are many instances where I've wanted to write about this, but just couldn't find the words and didn't feel that it was the right time.  Sooner or later though I wanted this out, so here goes!

On Monday, September 27th, 2010, Colin and I found out that we would 

never be able to have our own biological children.

(let the dust settle on that one for a minute)

Due to two bouts of childhood cancer, my husband was told that his fertility could be affected because of radiation, chemotherapy, and the drugs used for his bone marrow transplant.  When we were dating, Col told me that he might not be able to have children, but I told him that we would deal with that when we came to it.  I remember feeling so much closer to him that night because of the fact that he was willing to tell me.  Flash forward and we've been engaged for 7 months.  We talk more frequently about it and decide between the two of us that we would prefer to be prepared and know before we come to the time when we are ready to start a family.  Col goes for testing, receives a message, and calls the clinic back for his results.  We were the only ones home at his parents' house that evening, and he took the call in the other room while I nervously waited in the kitchen.  The call was brief.  He came to me, tears already on his face.  I immediately burst into tears, grabbed him in a hug, and knew that the news had not been good.  They told him that his count was 0.  The woman said, "You're getting married soon, right?  Well this means that you and your wife have no chances of having your own children.  And this doesn't protect from sexually transmitted diseases..."  She had the gall to say that.  To say with no compassion in her voice that our dreams of biological children were shattered.  To say in no uncertain terms that this did not give him a free pass to sleep around since he didn't have to worry about impregnating anyone.  Not that this news wouldn't be devastating to anyone, but it was so much harder because of the dreams we already had and our eagerness to have children someday. 

As you can imagine, since that time we have learned how to deal.  I say deal because although we feel we can slowly heal from this as well, there is a part of me that realizes that this is something we might never fully heal over.  It took me a long time in the beginning to be able to utter more than a heartbroken, "Why?" as I prayed.  As we shared the news with our parents, they cried with us and assured us that someday we would have children.  They might not be ours biologically, but we would be able to have a family like we always wanted.  My mom told me that I would need to take time to grieve, that it was a process of grieving what we had lost.  Which was true, we lost something before ever even having it.  And I, being female, lost a whole lot too.  It's impossible to put into words how I felt.  I just kept saying that it was so unfair because of all that my husband had to go through as a child, why would God take this away too?  I was confused, brokenhearted, and wanted answers that I knew I might never get while here on this earth. 

I wrote this once when having a hard day.  It attempts to describe the day we found out:

Our greatest loss

Do you know what it feels like to be 7 months away from your wedding and have to think about the possibility of never having children of your own?  Do you know what it feels like to make a call for news that will change your life forever?  Do you know what it feels like to wait, pacing in the other room, while your fiancé reluctantly dials the number, and waiting with abated breath for what seems like eternity?  Do you know what it feels like to hear the great, great loss from someone who speaks as if they are telling you the weather forecast?  Someone who is more concerned with disease than they are with your broken heart?  Do you know what it feels like to walk to him, breath held, until he collapses in your arms sobbing?  Do you know what it feels like to hear the news that there is a zero percent chance for you to ever father your own children?

Do you know what it feels like to realize that you will never experience the joy of finding out you’re pregnant?  Or feel a baby grow inside of you?  Or experience each and every detail of pregnancy from the morning sickness to feeling the baby kick to the stretched skin of your growing stomach?  Each and every wonder of that time will never, ever be personally experienced.  Can you fathom that?  Is it too much to take in?

Never will we see a baby and get to compare whose eyes or nose he or she has.  Blue or brown eyes?  Red or blond hair?  We’ll never know.  Or see as he or she grows up whose personality traits are prominent.  Detail-oriented or laid back?  Active or introverted?  We’ll never know.

We’ll never know.

However, our story is far from over.  I know that, and I hope that through my daily interactions and reactions regarding this topic I'm able to show that.  I know that God  has a plan, and although it is not the plan that we may have had in our minds, it will be great because it is His.  In no way do I blame God for this loss, instead I mourn sin in this world, but I do know with all my heart that God can turn pain into beauty and can make something good out of any circumstance.  And so for now, on the "normal" days and on the really hard days, I am striving to live out my life in a way that will show God's love through our pain.  And someday through the continuation of our story, I can't wait to see God's work and Him glorified.

_________________________________________________________________________

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11