on updating

Sorry for the lull, life has been busy and I haven't had much inspiration to write.  But I want to make sure to chronicle the latest in our adoption.

We recently met with the Director of Adoption at our agency in Buffalo.  When we got our renewal paperwork, it was suggested that if we hadn't done so in a while, to schedule a face-to-face meeting to talk about how things are going and moving forward.  Since our family advocate is out on maternity leave, Kathy was nice enough to meet with us.  We knew the meeting wouldn't change anything, but I felt that we should do it because it also couldn't hurt.  And I wanted to make sure that since our advocate was out, everyone who was covering was on the same page as to where we have been, where we are, and where we're going.

We hadn't been to the agency in a long time, since we signed paperwork for our first match, but it was good to be back.  It's such an inviting place.  Kathy was so nice, and the meeting went really well.  We talked about how the past year has been, she gave a lot of weight to our failed matches instead of brushing over them for which I was thankful, and she was encouraging.  We talked about our infertility, feelings after the failed matches, and a bit of our story.  It was so nice to just talk about everything with someone, because I feel like we never had the chance to do that with someone there before.  We asked what we could do moving forward and she said that usually they have a lot of suggestions for people, but in our case she didn't really have a lot.  Our grids are so open that we aren't restricting ourselves in that way, and the only thing we could do is change our profile book into a bound soft cover and/or put our profile online.  While we don't plan to do either at the moment because we just sent them 3 new books and we don't want to incur more costs right now, it was encouraging to know that we aren't holding ourselves back.  It was also a little frustrating because it would be easier to have "easy" answers as to why we are at this stage in the process a year later, but she had our file in front of her and was explaining how we've gotten almost all of the profiling opportunity calls that they have had this past year.  Our page is almost full whereas many families get to their one year mark and have only had a few calls.  This is because we are so open in our grids, so that was good.  Now we just have to get someone to pick us and the choice to stick!  God knows who that will be and will continue to prepare us for that day.

She answered all of our questions and even said that she was glad we didn't say yes to being profiled for the latest call we had received, a case through an attorney in Florida.  We declined mostly because the fees were almost double the usual amounts, even with our agency lowering their placement fee.  It was also a case with a few more risk factors.  She said that it was smart that we know we can say no, and we talked about how hard that is, but she reminded us that if we were chosen for that case, she isn't due until October.  We would miss out on any cases until then, and if the adoption didn't go through, we would be back at square one and having been "out" of the pool for those 5 months.

One piece that we learned that is disheartening is that they are only working with about 4 or 5 birth moms right now.  While this can change, they never have control over how many women come to them and when.  Prayer that these birthmoms will get the support they need and that others will find Adoption S.T.A.R.

We left our meeting and decided to grab a bite to eat before heading back.  While waiting for our food, Kathy emailed us the answers to two questions that she had to ask about.  The fact that she responded so quickly was outstanding, especially because it was a financial question.  We got home and found the paperwork in our mailbox.  Because it's a legal file, all of our paperwork is only good for one year.  I have looked at it, put it down, and left it on the counter, but I've had no motivation to work on it.  Prayer also that we can take the time to sit down and get it all done soon.  That way we'll have done our part, and we can continue to wait for God to do His.

waiting and planning

You know what's hard?  Wanting to plan something and not being able to do it.  Because we have no idea when a baby may enter our lives, it's so hard to make plans that go into the future.  For example, I would love to visit my brother in L.A. because we haven't been out there at all in the years that he's lived there.  But it's hard to book flights without knowing if we'll have an infant then.  If we knew, we could plan and travel when we felt comfortable, not with a newborn, etc.  I've had to tell people that I would be available for two different commitments that are a few months away, but on a "play it by ear" basis.  Which is fine, but as a Type A planner, it is such a struggle for me!  Everything is, "If we have Little L by then..."  At the same time I'm always hoping that we do have Little L by then!

I have to remember that only the Lord knows the true timing of everything in our lives.  Even when we do plan things, no one knows if we'll be able to carry them out.  God knows our steps, our breaths.  But sometimes it's so hard with the adoption waiting game to continue to enjoy life and make plans for fun activities, trips, and events!  We are adamant about living and loving as we wait, of having a full life together, but I just wish I knew what and how much I could do and when.  Because I would be happy to adjust my plans to love on Little L, you know? :)

adoption update attempt

Hi everyone.  Miss me?  It's been a while, hasn't it.  For a month I've thought about how I should blog an update for everyone on our adoption.  This draft has sat here for countless weeks.  Because it's hard to write an update when there isn't one.  We are just...waiting.

Even before we started our own adoption journey, when it was just a far-away, extremely overwhelming thought in my mind, I read many other blogs about adoption and felt encouraged.  In addition to keeping family and friends up on our journey, I have wanted to be an encourager to others through their infertility and/or adoption journeys, even if just to say, "Someone else knows how you feel," or, "We've done it, you can too!"  But in order to do so, I know that I owe it to myself to be candid and honest.

And so, honestly, I've been in a funk lately.  I've been passing through the stages of grief from our failed placement differently than other grieving events in my life.  This one seems to be lingering, very much present in the day to day.  For the first month after our failed placement, we let ourselves go just a little and ate like crap.  Takeout, sweets, and junk food were staples.  And we didn't care (who doesn't want an excuse to do that every once in a while?).  We gave ourselves that month, which ended up stretching into a month and a half, to ease up on one area of our lives.

My birthday was especially hard this year.  I am usually excited about birthdays, even just a little as I get older, but this year didn't feel right.  Because I am a planner at heart, I of course have a timeline in my head about what stage of life I want to be at or have accomplished by a certain age.  I've always wanted to be young when having children, much like my parents were.  For many reasons, it is my ideal.  And as much as I know that I need to let go of my plans and timeline and give them to God, it's still hard.  And so, as I turned 27 and have no children or the promise of any soon, I had to grieve that.  I am so thankful for being able to have dinner with Col and my parents that evening, but the whole day just seemed like any other day (or maybe I was trying to hope it into that).

While I appreciate everyone's well wishes of "you're so young," it doesn't change the fact that this is a dream of mine that I must let go of, timeline-wise.  I know we are young to many, but no one would say that to someone who is pregnant at 25 because that is when they want to be.  You see, we've had to give up on some dreams and grieve doors that were closed to us.  Being re-directed is not always easy.  Even as I write this though, I am reminded of the fact that as much as we plan, life will happen according to God's will and timing.  I felt the same way about getting married; it was later than I had always planned on.  But we got married, it was the best day of my life, and I have felt no recourse whatsoever from it being a couple years later than my timeline.  And, when I always planned on having children by the age of 30, I always had pregnancies in mind.  Now, I know with all my heart that adoption is the plan God has for us to grow our family, even on the days when I wish it wasn't.

So I've been a little down lately.
Do I know that in the end, this will all be worth it?  Yes.
Do I believe that we are on the right path?  Yes.
Do I believe that it will happen?  Yes.
Do I trust God with this piece of our lives?  Yes (it's ok that it's a work-in-progress faith building exercise - for life!)

But is it hard some days, and I just need to cry?  Yes.
Do I wish it would just hurry up and happen already?  Yes.
Am I still unbelievably in love with our full, finished nursery and can't wait for a little babe to use it?  Yes.

That's where we are at.  Loving each other as always, living life, and enjoying the little things (and the Christmas season!).  There are others who have gone before, and there are others who will come after.  I'm thankful to know others on the journey who understand these crazy emotions!

And you know what?  I'm thankful that I have a pup to be the recipient of all my bursting motherly love right now.  I don't think she minds it one bit ;)

[learning to] gain patience

I've been riding the rollercoaster of emotions lately.  Not bad, just beginning to really experience all these swirling emotions that come along with waiting for Little L.  Ahh, Little L.  I can't wait to hold you in my arms.

I had an unfortunate doctor's appointment, where I had to once again speak to why I'm not on birth control.  Yes, I've dealt with it.  And yes, I can easily talk about it.  But no, I don't really want to have to say it again and again every single time I come in.

We get over that checkpoint and things are fine until the end of my appointment when the doctor starts waxing poetic about our other option for having children (after asking if I even want any).  Fine, give me all the options (I do know them, we did think just a little bit about our decision to adopt thankyouverymuch).  However, when I've already told you that we chose adoption, are very happy with our choice and believe it's the best option for us, have finished all our paperwork, and are now waiting to be chosen for a baby, do not keep going on and on about the other option that you obviously prefer.  When I've already told you that essentially I am "paper pregnant," loving an unknown child in my heart, please just say, "Congratulations," or, "That's great!"  Anything to affirm what I've already told you is done (and which I'm very happy about!).  Ugh.

After it had all sunk in (I was polite and conversational until I had the chance to replay the conversation in my mind) and I was leaving the appointment, I just wanted to go home.  Unfortunately, I was upset that evening because of it.  I recently read a blog post about negative, or un-helpful, responses that people have gotten in response to telling that they are adopting.  I guess this was my first!

Also, my patience has been running low these days.  Not with waiting, I'm doing pretty well with that, but with everything else.  I decided that all my patience is being put into waiting and that this is a lesson in gaining even more!  Lesson #1 (out of an infinite number of others): Patience.

 

James 1:2-8
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

 

Proverbs 19:11
¹¹ A person’s wisdom yields patience;
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.