my life verse

Currently at church we are doing a series called "Words with Friends."  The premise is that everyone should have a verse that they base their life around and/or that gets them through life and keeps them focused on God.  Each week a different pastor has talked about his life verse, and we have all been encouraged to write our verse on a tile which is then placed on the large game board (see pictures here on our church blog).

Right away I already knew what my verse was.  It is a verse that I have loved ever since probably middle school, and it continues to guide me to this day.  It's actually the footnote to this entire blog.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

See, I've always been a planner.  Like a super-organized-to-a-T-almost-OCD planner.  So one of the struggles that I most often have is letting go and remembering that God is in control.  It's one of those things that I have to constantly remind myself of and make sure to continually surrender control back to God.  This verse came in handy when I stressed about choosing the right college to go to and what my major should be.  It helped when I worried about never finding the right guy to marry.  It kept me grounded when I freaked out about moving to Spain for 5 months to study abroad.  It reminded me that in no way was I going to have to declare bankruptcy at the age of 22 and default on all of my school loans.  It kept me going when I had no idea what I was going to do with my life in terms of a career (oh wait, that's still true!).  And most recently, it has kept me anchored through one of the toughest, most emotional seasons of my life.  No matter what I was going through, dealing with, or overreacting about (yes, it helps me through the insignificant things as well), this verse reminds me that God is in control, if I let Him be, and that He knows exactly what plans He has for my life and how I can praise and glorify Him through them.  And when I felt hopeless about these situations, I was reminded that He is the One who gives me hope.

(bear with me here as we are about to get real personal...and long winded)

When I decided to write a post about my life verse a few weeks ago, I thought it would be the perfect way to introduce this topic.  While I had been wanting to start a blog for a while before actually doing so this past January, there was one huge circumstance that I wanted to work up to blogging about.  I had read many blogs about this topic and felt that because I love writing, having my own blog would help me continue to heal as well as give me an outlet to later document our journey.  However, this isn't only my story, so I couldn't just lay it all out there.  There are many instances where I've wanted to write about this, but just couldn't find the words and didn't feel that it was the right time.  Sooner or later though I wanted this out, so here goes!

On Monday, September 27th, 2010, Colin and I found out that we would 

never be able to have our own biological children.

(let the dust settle on that one for a minute)

Due to two bouts of childhood cancer, my husband was told that his fertility could be affected because of radiation, chemotherapy, and the drugs used for his bone marrow transplant.  When we were dating, Col told me that he might not be able to have children, but I told him that we would deal with that when we came to it.  I remember feeling so much closer to him that night because of the fact that he was willing to tell me.  Flash forward and we've been engaged for 7 months.  We talk more frequently about it and decide between the two of us that we would prefer to be prepared and know before we come to the time when we are ready to start a family.  Col goes for testing, receives a message, and calls the clinic back for his results.  We were the only ones home at his parents' house that evening, and he took the call in the other room while I nervously waited in the kitchen.  The call was brief.  He came to me, tears already on his face.  I immediately burst into tears, grabbed him in a hug, and knew that the news had not been good.  They told him that his count was 0.  The woman said, "You're getting married soon, right?  Well this means that you and your wife have no chances of having your own children.  And this doesn't protect from sexually transmitted diseases..."  She had the gall to say that.  To say with no compassion in her voice that our dreams of biological children were shattered.  To say in no uncertain terms that this did not give him a free pass to sleep around since he didn't have to worry about impregnating anyone.  Not that this news wouldn't be devastating to anyone, but it was so much harder because of the dreams we already had and our eagerness to have children someday. 

As you can imagine, since that time we have learned how to deal.  I say deal because although we feel we can slowly heal from this as well, there is a part of me that realizes that this is something we might never fully heal over.  It took me a long time in the beginning to be able to utter more than a heartbroken, "Why?" as I prayed.  As we shared the news with our parents, they cried with us and assured us that someday we would have children.  They might not be ours biologically, but we would be able to have a family like we always wanted.  My mom told me that I would need to take time to grieve, that it was a process of grieving what we had lost.  Which was true, we lost something before ever even having it.  And I, being female, lost a whole lot too.  It's impossible to put into words how I felt.  I just kept saying that it was so unfair because of all that my husband had to go through as a child, why would God take this away too?  I was confused, brokenhearted, and wanted answers that I knew I might never get while here on this earth. 

I wrote this once when having a hard day.  It attempts to describe the day we found out:

Our greatest loss

Do you know what it feels like to be 7 months away from your wedding and have to think about the possibility of never having children of your own?  Do you know what it feels like to make a call for news that will change your life forever?  Do you know what it feels like to wait, pacing in the other room, while your fiancé reluctantly dials the number, and waiting with abated breath for what seems like eternity?  Do you know what it feels like to hear the great, great loss from someone who speaks as if they are telling you the weather forecast?  Someone who is more concerned with disease than they are with your broken heart?  Do you know what it feels like to walk to him, breath held, until he collapses in your arms sobbing?  Do you know what it feels like to hear the news that there is a zero percent chance for you to ever father your own children?

Do you know what it feels like to realize that you will never experience the joy of finding out you’re pregnant?  Or feel a baby grow inside of you?  Or experience each and every detail of pregnancy from the morning sickness to feeling the baby kick to the stretched skin of your growing stomach?  Each and every wonder of that time will never, ever be personally experienced.  Can you fathom that?  Is it too much to take in?

Never will we see a baby and get to compare whose eyes or nose he or she has.  Blue or brown eyes?  Red or blond hair?  We’ll never know.  Or see as he or she grows up whose personality traits are prominent.  Detail-oriented or laid back?  Active or introverted?  We’ll never know.

We’ll never know.

However, our story is far from over.  I know that, and I hope that through my daily interactions and reactions regarding this topic I'm able to show that.  I know that God  has a plan, and although it is not the plan that we may have had in our minds, it will be great because it is His.  In no way do I blame God for this loss, instead I mourn sin in this world, but I do know with all my heart that God can turn pain into beauty and can make something good out of any circumstance.  And so for now, on the "normal" days and on the really hard days, I am striving to live out my life in a way that will show God's love through our pain.  And someday through the continuation of our story, I can't wait to see God's work and Him glorified.

_________________________________________________________________________

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11