7 months

Mother's Day 2015

My first Mother's Day.  Even though this was my first, I had so many emotions swirling around that weren't all what one might expect.  I was most certainly happy and grateful to be a parenting mama this year, instead of still waiting to hold my baby in my arms.  But I was also reserved and reflective.  Once you've felt something different for a much celebrated day, once you know the pain that is associated with it, or know how much ache it can cause, there really is no way to forget it.

Don't get me wrong, we had a great day.  Col had asked me what I wanted to do prior to the day, and of the suggestions I came up with, we completed them all.  After church the three of us went to breakfast, a delicious diner breakfast just like I wanted (the toast always tastes better at diners, don't you agree?).  Once home, Ephraim took a nap and Col ran an errand, so I treated myself to catching up on one of my shows (but also couldn't neglect the laundry no matter how much I told myself to let it go ;)).  Col wrote me a sweet card and framed two photos of Ephraim and I for my desk at work.  One was the first time I held him, the day we met him when he was two days old.  The other was a recent favorite mommy and Bubs selfie.  We made it to the Lilac Festival and saw the crafts before it down poured.  And we completed the day by meeting my parents for ice cream at a local fave in my hometown.  It was simple but wonderful, mostly because Col didn't have to work and I spent the day with my boys.

But a part of me was remembering how hard it was to go to church and see the sweet Mother's Day video.  A part of me was remembering the "Happy Mother's Day!" exclamations being tossed around, the celebrations, the posts on Facebook.  A part of me was remembering the thoughtful acknowledgements by dear friends who had sent me texts and notes last year saying how they saw me as a mom in every way, a mom who just didn't have her baby yet.  

A part of me was remembering the pain of those who weren't able to celebrate with their moms, family and friends included.  I remembered my grandma.  

A part of me was remembering those who had lost children, in and outside of the womb and who felt like moms (and are, always and forever), but who also might not have been acknowledged as such.  

Most of all, I remembered the ache of waiting, of adoption loss, of the little girl, our first match, who is now a year and 7 months old, her sweet mom, and Ephraim's birth mom.  

I prayed all those who were struggling with the day had comfort, support, a friend to listen even if they didn't understand the pain.  And I pray that I can be that friend to those who are waiting, who feel the pain of loss, who wish they could just hide in their house all day and pretend it was any other day.

I felt a lot today, but I also felt grateful, blessed, and content.  And thankful that God allows us to experience multiple emotions and empathy, that our past pain is a part of who we are today, and that we can celebrate it, in my case, with a chunky 7 month old.

Honoring J

Today is National Birth Mother's Day, and with Mother's Day tomorrow, I've been thinking even more about the amazing woman who chose to give life and chose adoption for our sweet Ephraim Jacob.  It's still very hard for me to not know her, not know how she's doing, and not talk to her about Ephraim.  We longed for a relationship with our child's birth mom and birth family before we knew who they might be.  However, we also respect the wishes of J, because it's the least we can do for her, when she has given us so much.

So even though we don't know her personally, we love her, honor her, and will always speak of her often.  She is a part of Ephraim and a part of our lives and hearts, even though we've never met her.  She is the brave woman who made a completely selfless decision, based on what she felt was the best choice for her baby.  She entrusted us to raise her child, and we will always remember that even though she is not raising him, even though some may not even know her story, she is a mother.  She is a mother in the greatest sense of the word, who put her child's needs before her own.  She, in the short time that she had, did everything she could for her little one by making the biggest sacrifice.

Birth mother's are often overlooked.  The pain and loss of adoption is many times forgotten or denied.  But it's important to remember that with each creation of a new family, one was broken.  She is not seeing him grow into the fun, happy boy that we know.  She doesn't get to experience new things with him, wipe his tears, and make him laugh.  And this loss will never be lost on us, even in our overwhelming joy at the blessing that Ephraim is to us.  

Even though I can't celebrate her the way I wish I could, spending time in person or over the phone, I will be thinking of her all day, both today and tomorrow on Mother's Day.  I will tell Ephraim what we know about her, and we will say extra prayers for her tonight, as we do every night.  Because never could I overlook the woman who gave life to our child.

God Found Us You

One of my favorite books to read to EJ is "God Found Us You."  I had actually never read it before, but had heard a lot about it, and thankfully one of my dear friends gifted it to us after Ephraim was born.  While it does not use positive adoption language in one area ("give up" instead of "made an adoption plan"), I love that it talks about his birthmom and each and every word is perfect to our adoption experience as adoptive parents.  It's amazing how perfectly someone else can capture the emotions and thoughts that I had while waiting.  Without fail, each and every time that I read this book, I cry.  I can barely read the end as I struggle to speak through tears, tears now of joy, but also of remembrance of the painful parts of our story.  Most of all, I'm thankful that God used our willingness to be a home and a family for a child who would need one, to bring us to Ephraim's birthmom, and then to Ephraim.