[adoption] not for the faint of heart

There is a common phrase often repeated in the adoption community: Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  While I have heard it often, I never fully grasped it's significance because up until recently, our adoption process has been fairly easy.  The paperwork was less than I thought, and we were able to systematically work through it along with the countless appointments and classes (which we loved).  Our wait was also extremely short, as over the course of less than 2 months we had four referrals and were chosen by a birthmom.

Everything was falling into place.  So many factors about our match seemed too perfect to be anything other than God's doing.  However, even in the midst of our most joyous excitement, we are sometimes too short-sighted to see that we are still on the journey.  We haven't reached our destination yet.

Wednesday evening (10/16), I arrived home to find Col out front with Mendon.  I asked if he had called our agency to see if they had an update about birthmom's c-section date.  She had had a doctor's appointment the Friday before to check the baby's lung development and so we were waiting to hear what date they would choose from the results.  When Col called they hadn't heard anything yet, but her appointment with the doctor had been that afternoon.  Our family advocate said she would call as soon as she got any updates.  About 10 minutes before I got home, she had called Col back.

He excitedly told me that the c-section was scheduled for the next day (Thursday, 10/17).  I honestly and seriously did not believe him.  Here he was, jumping up and down, grinning widely, and exclaiming aloud that we almost had a baby.  It finally sunk in enough that we were both happily hugging and heard a voice from over the bushes from a neighbor say, "Whatever it is, congratulations!"  I couldn't believe it!  It was a few weeks earlier than we thought, but we were overjoyed.

We called our parents to deliver the news.  Then we called our bosses quickly since we would be out on leave immediately.  I had only trained my replacement for a week and a half but thankfully am blessed with amazing supervisors who were just as excited as we were.  The plan was to drive to Buffalo in the morning, sign all the paperwork, and afterwards head out to the hospital in Syracuse to be with and care for the baby.

That night we ran around trying to figure out what we needed to do.  We packed a few days worth of things, packed a diaper bag, installed the car seat, and packed up Mendon's things so that she could go to my in-laws.  I did my first load of baby laundry and attempted to organize a few things in the nursery.  All evening I had a slight pain in my chest, as I attempted to get my planner-self on board with this new, very soon due date!  We actually were able to sleep that night, although I woke a few times.

Thursday morning we went to the bank as soon as they opened.  We got a certified check for our placement fee, and the teller asked us if we were getting a baby.  We told her that yes, we were going there today to meet him or her.  It was all so surreal and yet seemed so normal.  We drove to Buffalo and soon after sitting down with our advocate learned that the baby had been born at 10:04a.  It was a girl!  She had just enough time before we got there (around 10:30a) to change all the paperwork to have our chosen girl name on it.  We also learned that we would not be able to go to Syracuse until the next day, as the hospital policy needed a signed paper by birthmom allowing us to be there caring for the baby.  Since the birth had been via c-section, they needed to wait until the next day so that all anesthesia was out of her system.  We were disappointed, but overjoyed that she had been born.  

We signed all of the paperwork, received a wonderful gift bag, a hug from our advocate, and drove back home.  It was a little anti-climactic since we were expecting to drive out that day, but nonetheless allowed us to get a lot done that evening.  We organized the nursery, did more laundry, packed a few more things as discharge was scheduled for Monday, told more family and friends, made plans to stay with friends in the area for the weekend, set up a pediatrician appointment, called our lawyer, and figured out health insurance.  We also had a celebratory dinner out with Col's parents, sister, bro-in-law, and our nieces, and bought a gift for birthmom.  Once again, we somehow slept well that night.

Soon after waking up Friday morning we got a call from the agency.  We were waiting to hear what time we could go out to the hospital, and I got out of bed to go listen as Col took the call in the kitchen.  When I came out, he shook his head at me.  After he hung up he said that birthmom was thinking about parenting.  She was working through things with her social worker, but in the agency's professional opinion, it seemed as though she would choose to parent the baby.  They would call us later that day to update us.  I immediately got upset and we tearfully sent texts to our parents to pray.  After a while, we decided that we couldn't sit around all day and wait, and so we escaped to Mendon Ponds park with Mendon in tow.  Near the end of our walk, the agency called again and confirmed that birthmom had decided to parent.

I felt like everything was over, like our whole process was coming to an abrupt end.  Financially everything we had, along with many others' generous donations, had gone into this.  We had never gotten to meet that sweet baby girl who almost had our name.  In no way able to talk, we sent texts to our parents and siblings to break the news.  Once home, Col made a few difficult phone calls cancelling our first pediatrician appointment for Tuesday, notifying our attorney, and then calling the agency again to hear about next steps.  All the calls, emails, and texts we had made just the day before were now sent out again, but with opposite news.

My parents came up that night and took us to dinner.  I was in a fog all day; I felt like my head was disconnected from my body and my vision was off.  Once again it was surreal.  I just couldn't fathom how we were in the 1%.  We had been told that at our agency, only about 1% of matches are disrupted due to the comprehensive counseling and resources offered to birthparents.  How, after everything we had been through to get us to this point, could we be that 1%?  I reminded myself though that many of the families pursuing adoption have also been through infertility, so this would be a double blow to anyone, not just us.  We vowed to continue to live our lives, to keep busy, and to remember that it is not over.  We are not done.

Saturday I had a hard time getting out of bed, but I did and we conquered things on our perpetual to-do list.  Col went and got the new tires for my car that it desperately needed and then we completely hauled out the two storage closets in our lower level, getting rid of a ton and re-organizing.  We received sympathies and greatly appreciated the support system that we have in all of our family, friends, and workplaces, but with nothing to say, we tucked them away in our hearts and kept on working.  We spoiled Mendon with walks and lots of love and spoiled ourselves by not cooking all weekend.  We watched Friends, went to bed early, and slept a lot.

Sunday we went to church, took a two hour walk along the river trail with Col's fam and Mendon, and spent the day watching football with family and a visit from friends.  Each day brought about more perspective, and we were able to talk about our next steps.  Thankfully, our agency is compassionate and understanding and has been supportive in whatever way we need.  Most of our fees will be returned/used toward our next match/placement.  Colin has been extremely loving and supportive, and our marriage is strengthened.  No matter how much we've been through, each new hardship or experience brings us closer and closer.  While we cope differently and grieve at different speeds, we were on the same page for so much of this.  And since I'm the one who takes longer to work through things, he has graciously shown me support for whenever I am ready to continue and begin to be profiled once more.

I would be lying if I said that I was not still sad.  While it is absolutely 100% birthmom's right to parent her child, it is still extremely heartbreaking for us.  However, we never had nor have any anger toward her.  I still see her as the sweet, shy person we met just a few weeks ago.  And while so many details of our match seemed so perfect, this child was not God's plan for our family.  But this part of the story is somehow.  And so, I still stand true to my word to tell our story, for if we can get through it, someone else has already and someone else will.  God has held us up, given us hope, and sees the outcome.  And while my heart may be faint at times, His never is! 

[via pinterest]