Even before we started our own adoption journey, when it was just a far-away, extremely overwhelming thought in my mind, I read many other blogs about adoption and felt encouraged. In addition to keeping family and friends up on our journey, I have wanted to be an encourager to others through their infertility and/or adoption journeys, even if just to say, "Someone else knows how you feel," or, "We've done it, you can too!" But in order to do so, I know that I owe it to myself to be candid and honest.
And so, honestly, I've been in a funk lately. I've been passing through the stages of grief from our failed placement differently than other grieving events in my life. This one seems to be lingering, very much present in the day to day. For the first month after our failed placement, we let ourselves go just a little and ate like crap. Takeout, sweets, and junk food were staples. And we didn't care (who doesn't want an excuse to do that every once in a while?). We gave ourselves that month, which ended up stretching into a month and a half, to ease up on one area of our lives.
My birthday was especially hard this year. I am usually excited about birthdays, even just a little as I get older, but this year didn't feel right. Because I am a planner at heart, I of course have a timeline in my head about what stage of life I want to be at or have accomplished by a certain age. I've always wanted to be young when having children, much like my parents were. For many reasons, it is my ideal. And as much as I know that I need to let go of my plans and timeline and give them to God, it's still hard. And so, as I turned 27 and have no children or the promise of any soon, I had to grieve that. I am so thankful for being able to have dinner with Col and my parents that evening, but the whole day just seemed like any other day (or maybe I was trying to hope it into that).
While I appreciate everyone's well wishes of "you're so young," it doesn't change the fact that this is a dream of mine that I must let go of, timeline-wise. I know we are young to many, but no one would say that to someone who is pregnant at 25 because that is when they want to be. You see, we've had to give up on some dreams and grieve doors that were closed to us. Being re-directed is not always easy. Even as I write this though, I am reminded of the fact that as much as we plan, life will happen according to God's will and timing. I felt the same way about getting married; it was later than I had always planned on. But we got married, it was the best day of my life, and I have felt no recourse whatsoever from it being a couple years later than my timeline. And, when I always planned on having children by the age of 30, I always had pregnancies in mind. Now, I know with all my heart that adoption is the plan God has for us to grow our family, even on the days when I wish it wasn't.
So I've been a little down lately.
Do I know that in the end, this will all be worth it? Yes.
Do I believe that we are on the right path? Yes.
Do I believe that it will happen? Yes.
Do I trust God with this piece of our lives? Yes (it's ok that it's a work-in-progress faith building exercise - for life!)
But is it hard some days, and I just need to cry? Yes.
Do I wish it would just hurry up and happen already? Yes.
Am I still unbelievably in love with our full, finished nursery and can't wait for a little babe to use it? Yes.
That's where we are at. Loving each other as always, living life, and enjoying the little things (and the Christmas season!). There are others who have gone before, and there are others who will come after. I'm thankful to know others on the journey who understand these crazy emotions!
And you know what? I'm thankful that I have a pup to be the recipient of all my bursting motherly love right now. I don't think she minds it one bit ;)
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I can so relate to many of your words. Thank you for posting this, and like you said, there are many who have gone before and understand, and there will be many who come after that hopefully we will be able to encourage.
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