to ask or not to ask [adoption waiting]

Many of our family members and friends have commented in conversation about if or how they should ask us about our adoption process.  We greatly appreciate that people are being sensitive as this has been and continues to be a difficult time for us as we wait and experience the many emotional highs and lows.  We always want to be open and honest about all the aspects of our process, and so I thought I would try to share my feelings a little more here.

We are at all times willing to talk about our adoption process.  I love sharing our story, even if sometimes on the hard days I forget that.  One thing that makes this hard for both us and those who are asking is that oftentimes our answers aren't very informative, or rather, we have no answers at all.  This is because we simply have no new news to share.  And because of how quickly news can change (as we are well-aware), we are practicing some self-preservation by not notifying others of profiling calls until after we have heard back that we have not been chosen.  It's easier to do this because we have so many people in our lives to share the news with, but it's too hard to get others excited and then have to re-contact everyone to share our disappointment.  We know that most everyone is willing to ride these ups and downs with us and support us through them, but we are trying to manage our own expectations when we get these calls, therefore it's easier to just fill everyone in afterwards.  If you are ever wondering what has been happening lately, you can always check our adoption timeline.

There are also some well-meaning comments that we receive often which actually do bother me.  I've found that with most I'm not easily offended and will happily inform, educate, or answer.  Very few have upset me but with those that do, I'm learning to practice grace.  Some days I fail at that.  It's true that right now we are feeling kind of "over it" in terms of our journey as a whole.  If you want to ask about the process, by all means please do.  Just be prepared that I am gong to be honest about how we are feeling at that time.  No, I will most likely not become a huge ball of tears, anxiety, and emotion (although this has happened...), but please know that we are not going to sugar-coat the difficult aspects of the process.

Here are some of the frustrating comments we hear most often:

• "It's ok, you have lots of time" or "You're so young!" : Anything along the lines about how young we are really rubs me the wrong way.  While I am more sensitive to the topic because I am often mistaken to be anywhere from 9-14 years younger than I actually am, I ask that you hear me out on this.  Yes, I understand that we are a couple of 27 year olds (and in my case a trying-not-to-think-about-it-almost-28-year-old) and that in our culture today it is more common for people to wait longer to have kids, etc.  But in our case, we always wanted to be young parents.  My parents had their children all before my mom was 30, and we also have many other family members and friends who have or are having their children in their mid-20's.  We always wanted to start the process of growing our family after being married for 2 years, and that is what we did.  To me, yes I am young in general, but I do not feel young in respect to how I pictured our family at our age now.  While this is something that I am continually working on by letting my plans go and allowing God's to be, I still encourage those who have said or thought this to put themselves in our shoes.  Think back to when you started to work toward growing your family and when you felt that was best for yourself.  You may have been younger or older than us, but the jist is that it was what you felt was best for you and this is what we feel is best for us.  So while we may be young to some, it is what we wanted, and it's hard to watch the time stretch by.  Again, think back to when you were trying to get pregnant and maybe it took longer than you expected.  Those days, weeks, and months of waiting is exactly how we are feeling too.  Solidifying the difficulty is the fact that we can't "just get pregnant" and try adoption later.  This is the way that we can grow our family, and the way that we have fully embraced.

• "Are you sure your agency is doing everything they can for you?" or "The system is messed up!" : Ok, this could go in a million directions and probably be its own post, but I will keep it simple: we have the utmost confidence that our agency is doing everything they can.  They are well-established, have an amazing track record, and offer more services and education for both birth families and adoptive families than many other agencies (which is very important to us).  No agency is perfect, but so much of the process is out of both our hands and their hands.  We are being profiled a lot more than many other families (because of how open our grids are), and since we have done everything we can in our control, the agency is able to do what they can for us by profiling us with cases that they know we are open to.  After that, no one except the prospective birthmom and God can control what happens from there.  They can not, nor should they, influence the choice that the prospective birthmother makes because she is the one who needs to feel confident in the family she is considering for her child.  Not to mention, I get the feeling that our agency is also wondering why our journey is taking longer than the average, but this again comes back to the fact that none of us can know or understand because it's ultimately up to God.

• And for those who may wonder about our limitations or are just curious, here's a refresher : We are open to either gender, any and all races and ethnicities, and any state within the U.S.  The health history/exposures grid is a lot more complicated, but we are open to considering a lot.  We have asked for advice from our agency, and we are going to update a few details in our profile book (such as Colin's job change), even though they feel that our profile is a great representation of us and our life.  There are no easy answers or fixes and along with us, our agency feels like we have done well with what we can, and that unfortunately it is what it is.

The good news is that we have been profiled a lot.  While it's emotional and difficult because this stacks up to more no's, it's also encouraging knowing that we have had more chances.  The fact that we have been getting calls and had recent opportunities is better than waiting for months with nothing.  And I think it's God's reminder that no matter what happens or how many opportunities we receive, He is the only one to know what baby (and hopefully, babies) we will have the privilege of raising.  Since He already knows, we have to rest assured in that, even when it takes every ounce of our strength.