adoption vs. pregnancy: I know it's different, but it's also the same...

This past weekend I spent an evening with a good friend from our church and community group.  She and her husband are pursuing foster care and eventually adoption if it's an option with any of the children they are able to care for.  We were discussing our frustrations with waiting and how conflicting it is to pray and be hopeful about new referrals because that means that there are babies in need, broken families, and hurt.  While foster care and domestic infant adoption have their differences, I have also found comfort that someone else (who I see weekly) is going through many of the things that we are (lots of paperwork, classes, social worker visits, waiting, etc.).

She mentioned that people have altogether stopped asking them how their process is going, and I reflected some of the same sentiment.  While I feel that in our case this is probably due to the fact that we have now had two failed matches and people are afraid to bring up the hurt from these, it's still been something that I've noticed more lately as well.  As our conversation continued and I thought about it this weekend, it got me thinking more about how adoption is treated so differently than pregnancy.  Yes, there are major differences, but the end result of a baby is the same (and isn't that what matters?).  I commented on how a pregnant mother is constantly asked (sometimes so much to the point where it becomes an annoyance I've heard!) about the pregnancy: "How are you feeling? What cravings do you have? What random side effects has the pregnancy caused? Can I see ultrasound pictures? Have you felt the baby kick? Can I touch your belly?  You're such a cute pregnant mama!"  And while we do not have these tangible reminders of life growing in our own bodies, we do know the same feeling of our heart growing in love and yearning for our little one.  Unfortunately with adoption, there is no set timetable when a baby will make its appearance.  And because many families wait longer than 9 months, the journey may be forgotten in others' minds because there is no visual to accompany the time passing and the baby's arrival.

After a few other minor things sparked more thought into this, I became frustrated about the fact that adoption is treated differently.  Because even if I am a glowing mother-to-be of 12 months that may extend to many more, I'm still a mother-to-be.  And while some days my proverbial ankles will be swollen, my acid reflux will be causing pain, and my growing heart will feel like it has no more room for all the emotion, I'm still anxiously waiting for the day when I can see my baby's face for the first time just like any other mother.

At the same time, there is the awful realization that even if people ask how the adoption is going, we have nothing to tell.  Once you are in the waiting phase, there may not be any day to day, week to week, month to month, or sometimes year to year change.  You simply wait.  So I almost feel bad that we don't have a better answer to give other than, "No, we haven't heard anything, we're still waiting," or, "Yes, hopefully soon!"  Even so, you can still show your support.  Overall, we have been blessed with this support, but we've also had our moments of being treated differently or being forgotten as expecting parents. 

Below is just a small list of a few things to do when you aren't sure how to handle the uncertain time frames and differences in adoption vs. pregnancy:

1. Continue to invite to events/parties/baby showers, etc. ~ We don't want to feel left out, even though attending certain events may be hard.  Keep inviting us and let us make our own decision about if we are emotionally able to go or not.  Col and I have declined a few child-centered and even adoption-related things where we would be the only ones without a child, but we enjoy and continue to be involved in our families and friends' baby showers, kids' birthday parties, etc.  Loving the children in our lives does not make it harder for us.

2. Continue to ask and care about the process ~ Even if adoption and foster care are foreign concepts to you, I don't think I've ever found someone involved in them that wasn't happy to talk about them.  Don't be afraid to ask questions and engage in conversation, as long as you're willing to learn and gently be corrected if needed on more sensitive terminology.

3. Do realize that every adoption is different ~ Just because someone you know or heard about had their adoption happen one way, doesn't mean that because of a longer wait we are doing something wrong or can do something better.  We are actually very open in many different ways, where we were assured that we wouldn't wait long.  We have checked in with our agency and there isn't much else that we can change.  We feel comfortable to what God has called us to and what we are able to handle medically and have stepped out in faith in many areas.  We feel that we have shown that we are willing to follow Him wherever this process leads and that we have not limited ourselves.  Just like in pregnancy, there are things that we have no control over.

4. Continue to check in on emotions ~ The time preparing for bringing a baby or child into your home is an emotional one, and this is no different for adoptive parents.  Check in on how we are feeling.  Offer support by making it known that you are there to listen.  Spend time together doing something fun.  Just like in pregnancy, not everything has to be about the baby.  Enjoy the moment, too!

In the end, I think it boils down to the fact that expectant mothers want to be treated the same.  Because no matter how a child comes into a family's life, it's a miracle.  And each child should be happily anticipated the same as any other.