pieces to the puzzle

Friday we heard some unsettling news about the last step of our home buying process.  The grant from the federal program that we went through as first time home buyers was denied.  Unable to do this on our own right now, this grant is the whole reason for going through the program, as they match $4 to every $1 we saved this past year up to a certain amount.  The full grant is quite substantial and makes closing possible.  Fortunately, the bank disagrees with their reasons for the denial, and therefore broke down the information and sent the appeal back with documentation.  They said not to worry, and that they hope to hear back from them by Wednesday, but that we can't do anything about pushing it because it's a government program.

You can only imagine everything that went through our minds.  Not only that, but Col received a call from the tenant that our landlord just found this past week to rent our apartment, wondering when we would be leaving since our landlord mentioned it might be mid-January.  After a couple months of possible tenants falling through, one was just finalized this week.

So not only were we seeing visions of not getting our house at the last possible second because of this grant, but also of having to move in with Colin's parents and search for a new apartment instead of getting to stay where we already are.  And with the possible outcome of this situation, it's easy to think of all the other plans we have for ourselves having to be postponed indefinitely.

This home buying process has been more difficult than I thought it would be.  We've already made it through many stresses the past couple of months with various issues, and have waited longer than many for a closing date, but we never anticipated this one, being as we were approved for the program back in December 2011.

The past couple of days have been a little emotional for me in other ways too.  There are times when the weight of our infertility decides to rest on me for a while.  Don't get me wrong, it's so much easier for me than it was a couple years ago, but it's something that has a way of creeping back and reminding you of the negative instead of the positive.  I can be as excited and hopeful as can be about the future, but then that twinge returns.  That pestering voice that asks the age old question, "Why?"  And when another situation in life proves more difficult for us, sometimes I follow that voice, open the door, and take the stairs where I end up in the basement of, "As if we don't have enough to deal with already," and, "Why does everything have to come so hard for us?"

And so, I'm brought back to my life verse and the promises that God has for me, for us.  While thinking more about it today, in the middle of a crazy, stressful, long, and tiring day at work, I couldn't help but remember that this is just one more piece in the unfinished puzzle.  That right now, we only see parts of the finished product in each situation and our lives.  They might not be the prettiest or nicest pieces, but God knows the outcome.  And that outcome will be so beautiful that it won't matter what each piece is like on its own, all we'll be able to see will be the whole.

We have to not think too far ahead of ourselves and instead just learn to trust.  To trust that whatever happens, we will be ok.  It's scary, and it seems impossible, but we have to remember that these struggles are not the end and everything is in more capable hands than ours.  I have made the choice to not think about all the terrible circumstances that might happen, but instead to pray, wait to see what really does happen, and take it day by day from there.

Check out "Even If" by Kutless