becoming mom

One year ago today I became: an adoptive mom, an advocate, a NICU mom, a part of a transracial family, a boy mom, a successful match, a first-time mom, an Adoption STAR parent. But most of all, I became MOM.

My heart is full. Today I remember that amazing, emotional, wonderful day one year ago when I first laid eyes and hands on our son!

Happy 1st birthday, my precious boy!

One.  I can't believe that you are already 1.  I always knew the time would fly by when everyone said so, but I never knew how fast.  I've spent a lot of time reflecting as your birthday draws close, and my heart is full of so many emotions.  And as we all know, I've royally neglected this blog while learning how to balance our new life as a family of 3.  But even though I might not be able to get down all of the thoughts that I've been mulling over, I wanted to make sure to do this day its justice, not only for you, but for J as well.

You see, your birthday is not about the day that we became parents.  It's about you and your birth mommy.  Because when you came into the world one year ago today on October 14th at 6:43pm, we had absolutely no idea.  Daddy was just getting home from work and I was out with my family at an alumni fundraiser basketball game watching my dad play.  I sat there, composing a very different one year blog post in my head, one in which I would write to the little girl who was our first match, and who was about to turn 1.  

I had no idea that on this night one year ago, the world would change forever for a woman who I didn't know but who would become a part of my heart and thoughts.  She gave birth to you, a precious, tiny 5 lb 7 oz baby boy.  And while sometimes it makes me sad that I wasn't there, I also feel that it was a sacred time that I do not want to disrupt.  Because while I've never given birth, I can only imagine the wealth of overwhelming emotion and pain, especially when an adoption plan is involved.

And so, while I watched your grandpa play basketball, with a heart that still ached and longed to be a mommy, while daddy wound down after a day at work with a hundred kids, none of which would come home with him, J bravely and selflessly delivered you into this world.  Your story outside of the womb on this earth began.  And it's okay that we didn't know it yet.  Because this is all part of your story, and this day is reserved for you to celebrate the incredible love that J has for you.  The bond that she forged with you for 9 months, culminating in your birth.  And while we pray that this isn't the end of your story with her, for now we have to celebrate without her.  And so, this day we celebrate you and we honor the woman who gave you life and taught you the great depths of a mommy's love.  Today is your day, together.

Tonight, we will light a candle at 6:43pm for J, your birth mommy, to symbolize our love, thoughts, and prayers for her and to include her in our celebration.  Happy birthday, sweet one.  We love you, so very much!

11 months

Choosing relationships over my to-do list

I’m a type A planner who has a constant to-do list.  It’s rare for me to be without my scrap of paper full of items that I need to complete, ranging anywhere from the non-important (paint toenails) to the necessary (make doctor's appointment) and everything in between.  Juggling my new role as mommy while working full-time, I’m even more overwhelmed by the to-do list and items that never seem to get checked off.  It’s hard to do anything when you feel like every moment at home should be spent with the adorable child you ache for when leaving each day.  And so the list gets transferred, some things get crossed off, but more often than not they are written once more during a burst of motivation (usually when not at home and when unable to complete the tasks).   

Since going back to work, I have an “extra” four hours on Wednesdays when I’m able to be home.  I usually see this as time to accomplish some tasks (although nap time, when it actually happens for a good chunk of time, often beckons for laziness on my part).  Recently, I was presented with a last minute opportunity to spend time with another mom and her little one.  Part of me wanted to say no, but I really had no good reason to.  For some, it might be a no-brainer to spend time with people rather than stay home and clean, but for me, I have to make a conscious choice.  Ever since that day, where we enjoyed fun play time (EJ received his first kiss, hehe) and a walk, I’ve thought about my time.  While it is necessary to keep the house somewhat clean (bare minimum lately), grocery shop, and cook for my family (eating happens, though it might not be awesome meals), it’s also just as necessary to pour into relationships, those in my house and those outside.  I could easily become a hermit aside from a few close relationships, but I know that I’m not doing anyone any good by doing so.  My priorities are to my family yes, but also to showing God’s love by having relationships with people.  And how can I do that if all I’ve done is check off items on my to-do list?

9th annual weekend getaway!

It was our 9th year going to Katie's family camp.  I love the fact that we've gone every year for so long, and plan to for as long as we can.  It's such a fun retreat to have and look back on how things have changed.  And looking back on my post last year, our hopes came true, and Ephraim got to enjoy this first year at camp!

First lake "swim." It was a little cold!

(don't mind the pink and purple, poor EJ gets some borrowed items from his two girl cousins ;))

the pups

the crew

the best

10 months

Adoption finalization!

We have officially finalized Ephraim's adoption into our family!  It only took about 10 months, but we are now stuck with each other forever (and we're really ok with that :)).  

Leading up to finalization I was thinking about so much with our adoption journey and J.  I couldn't help but think that even though she had no idea that Wednesday had extra meaning, I wish that she knew how he was, who he was.  I wish she was here to see him grow up, experience some of the joy that we get to every day.  To know he's happy, safe, loved.  To know that we love her, that we are forever grateful to her, but that we also support her.  

Until you've been through an adoption, whether your own journey or alongside someone else's, you never really understand the complex emotions that come along it all.  To feel the honor, joy, unworthiness of raising a child not born to you, but to also feel the pain, hurt, and wonder how birth families are doing.  To be happy to finalize, make permanent a child's placement into your family and home, but to know that it means there is a mom, a dad, a family out there who is missing and loving that same child.  It's the ultimate in learning that you can experience multiple emotions at once, and a huge lesson in empathy.

For some, finalization is much anticipated and anxiously awaited.  However, we've always felt that it would happen when it happened (the fact of the matter is, the courts are slow).  Because nothing could really change (we are well past the 90 day revocation period), we've always felt that we just wanted to enjoy our son and when the last paper was signed, it would be joyous, but would not change how we feel about keeping our hearts open to an open adoption, or birth families, or Ephraim.  And when our date came, we enjoyed it very much!

Court was scheduled for 10a, prime nap time, so Ephraim had 10 min. of sleep before we scooped him up, dressed him up, and headed out.  My parents, Col's parents, our nieces and my sister-in-law accompanied us.  Even as we went through security, one of the guards was joking around with us and guessed correctly that we were there for an adoption.  He said our judge was a great guy, one who went to his church (yay!).  Once we got upstairs, we weren't there long when the clerk said the judge was ready, and we made our way into the surrogacy courtroom.  We sat at a table with the judge and our lawyer, confirmed our names, date of births, etc, and signed one paper.  Then he shook our hands and said, "It's final!"  The judge was great, talking to Ephraim, shaking his hand too.  And the whole ordeal took 5 minutes.  It's funny, after having our entire lives as one giant open book, signing tons of documents and paperwork, it only took one signature.  Then we got some pictures and took over the room for a few minutes until Ephraim had had enough and wanted to go home and sleep (unfortunately that meant no smiles from the man of the hour for pictures).

We spent the rest of the day with family and had dinner with everyone at our house that evening.  It was the perfect way to celebrate Ephraim and his Family Day.  And when we tell him of it for years to come (if he cares to know), may he know that while he became a permanent part of our family that day, he did not lose a single part of his birth family.  His birth certificate may hold our names now, but we will never withhold the truth of his background from him.  And I hope that for him, Family Day will mean the love of his entire family, birth and adoptive.

I'm bored guys, so I'm going to blow bubbles.

9 months

8 months

7 months

Mother's Day 2015

My first Mother's Day.  Even though this was my first, I had so many emotions swirling around that weren't all what one might expect.  I was most certainly happy and grateful to be a parenting mama this year, instead of still waiting to hold my baby in my arms.  But I was also reserved and reflective.  Once you've felt something different for a much celebrated day, once you know the pain that is associated with it, or know how much ache it can cause, there really is no way to forget it.

Don't get me wrong, we had a great day.  Col had asked me what I wanted to do prior to the day, and of the suggestions I came up with, we completed them all.  After church the three of us went to breakfast, a delicious diner breakfast just like I wanted (the toast always tastes better at diners, don't you agree?).  Once home, Ephraim took a nap and Col ran an errand, so I treated myself to catching up on one of my shows (but also couldn't neglect the laundry no matter how much I told myself to let it go ;)).  Col wrote me a sweet card and framed two photos of Ephraim and I for my desk at work.  One was the first time I held him, the day we met him when he was two days old.  The other was a recent favorite mommy and Bubs selfie.  We made it to the Lilac Festival and saw the crafts before it down poured.  And we completed the day by meeting my parents for ice cream at a local fave in my hometown.  It was simple but wonderful, mostly because Col didn't have to work and I spent the day with my boys.

But a part of me was remembering how hard it was to go to church and see the sweet Mother's Day video.  A part of me was remembering the "Happy Mother's Day!" exclamations being tossed around, the celebrations, the posts on Facebook.  A part of me was remembering the thoughtful acknowledgements by dear friends who had sent me texts and notes last year saying how they saw me as a mom in every way, a mom who just didn't have her baby yet.  

A part of me was remembering the pain of those who weren't able to celebrate with their moms, family and friends included.  I remembered my grandma.  

A part of me was remembering those who had lost children, in and outside of the womb and who felt like moms (and are, always and forever), but who also might not have been acknowledged as such.  

Most of all, I remembered the ache of waiting, of adoption loss, of the little girl, our first match, who is now a year and 7 months old, her sweet mom, and Ephraim's birth mom.  

I prayed all those who were struggling with the day had comfort, support, a friend to listen even if they didn't understand the pain.  And I pray that I can be that friend to those who are waiting, who feel the pain of loss, who wish they could just hide in their house all day and pretend it was any other day.

I felt a lot today, but I also felt grateful, blessed, and content.  And thankful that God allows us to experience multiple emotions and empathy, that our past pain is a part of who we are today, and that we can celebrate it, in my case, with a chunky 7 month old.

Honoring J

Today is National Birth Mother's Day, and with Mother's Day tomorrow, I've been thinking even more about the amazing woman who chose to give life and chose adoption for our sweet Ephraim Jacob.  It's still very hard for me to not know her, not know how she's doing, and not talk to her about Ephraim.  We longed for a relationship with our child's birth mom and birth family before we knew who they might be.  However, we also respect the wishes of J, because it's the least we can do for her, when she has given us so much.

So even though we don't know her personally, we love her, honor her, and will always speak of her often.  She is a part of Ephraim and a part of our lives and hearts, even though we've never met her.  She is the brave woman who made a completely selfless decision, based on what she felt was the best choice for her baby.  She entrusted us to raise her child, and we will always remember that even though she is not raising him, even though some may not even know her story, she is a mother.  She is a mother in the greatest sense of the word, who put her child's needs before her own.  She, in the short time that she had, did everything she could for her little one by making the biggest sacrifice.

Birth mother's are often overlooked.  The pain and loss of adoption is many times forgotten or denied.  But it's important to remember that with each creation of a new family, one was broken.  She is not seeing him grow into the fun, happy boy that we know.  She doesn't get to experience new things with him, wipe his tears, and make him laugh.  And this loss will never be lost on us, even in our overwhelming joy at the blessing that Ephraim is to us.  

Even though I can't celebrate her the way I wish I could, spending time in person or over the phone, I will be thinking of her all day, both today and tomorrow on Mother's Day.  I will tell Ephraim what we know about her, and we will say extra prayers for her tonight, as we do every night.  Because never could I overlook the woman who gave life to our child.

God Found Us You

One of my favorite books to read to EJ is "God Found Us You."  I had actually never read it before, but had heard a lot about it, and thankfully one of my dear friends gifted it to us after Ephraim was born.  While it does not use positive adoption language in one area ("give up" instead of "made an adoption plan"), I love that it talks about his birthmom and each and every word is perfect to our adoption experience as adoptive parents.  It's amazing how perfectly someone else can capture the emotions and thoughts that I had while waiting.  Without fail, each and every time that I read this book, I cry.  I can barely read the end as I struggle to speak through tears, tears now of joy, but also of remembrance of the painful parts of our story.  Most of all, I'm thankful that God used our willingness to be a home and a family for a child who would need one, to bring us to Ephraim's birthmom, and then to Ephraim.

6 months

Happy Easter 2015

This year Easter started off by celebrating our Savior at church.  We couldn't resist getting Ephraim all dressed up :)

 After church, Col's rents came over for a donut breakfast.  We then headed over to my parents' house for the afternoon and enjoyed our traditional Easter dinner and many yummy desserts with my extended fam.  We were able to Skype with Zack and Kristyn, which completed the day.  Thank goodness for technology so he can see his nephew, and EJ his uncle!

It's been such a joy sharing holidays with Ephraim now.  I can't wait for the many years to come as he gets older and can understand them more.  This year, I am forever grateful to have a son to read the Easter story too.  And as I prayed with him, I asked that he may someday know the amazing love of Jesus and His sacrifice for us.  

Hoping your Easter was reflective on how great God's love is for you.

gettin' things done

We finally got productive around here and got a few things done that have been on the to-do lists for a long time now!  We cleaned out and organized the downstairs closets, have a pile of stuff and clothes ready to donate, put up shelves above our bed (now we just need to get together what we want on them), bought frames and added photos of Bubs to our living room gallery, and glued and framed our adoption fundraiser puzzle.  It feels good to get into a rhythm where we can catch up on some long-awaited projects!

So great to see all the names again of who helped bring Ephraim home!

the new way it is

Since becoming a mom, I've been downright awful at blogging.  Most would say that's normal, but it bothers me that I haven't kept up on it.  Sometimes when driving to or from work I get an idea for a post, but usually it disappears and my job continues when I get home and nothing ever gets written.  I am going to try to get back into the swing of writing, but since I've said that before, I really can't promise anything!

I've been thinking about our life now, and how even though it's so different, it also feels like it's been this way forever.  Maybe because we are settled into our new routines with Ephraim's schedule, work, and other commitments, but some days it feels like we've been at this parenting thing for longer than 5 1/2 months.  Other days though, I have flashbacks to how life was before when it was Col and I.  I wonder how I didn't get a million more things done.  I wonder how we spent our time.  And then I remember that in this new life, we have had to let some things wait for a while (ahem, blogging...but also cleaning, watching our TV shows [we have yet to start this season's Amazing Race], and seeing friends as often).  It's amazing how life can shift, some parts slightly, others majorly, and yet settle into the same familiar pattern.  

These days I struggle with a new balance.  One of finding time and energy to devote to what is important.  So even though I love my blog, cleaning (yes, yes I do), and reading, these things have had to take a backseat.  But I remind myself that it's ok, because as I'm already experiencing, time goes by way too fast.  The tiny baby boy who we first held in our arms is long gone, and before long this stage of his life will be too.  I already miss those days when he could fit easily in my one arm.  I already forgot what it was like to have to feed him every 3 hours.  And I know that when it was happening, I wished for him to be older, for sleep.  And now I'm here, still wishing for an uninterrupted night's sleep because our big eater won't let go of that one feeding, but knowing that I'll miss the chance to hold my babe in the calm of the night and see his sweet smile when all is dark and quiet.

In the blink of an eye we have an almost 17 lb., 5 1/2 month old who eats cereal, veggies, and fruit like a champ, is pretty much sitting, loves to stand, and has a wonderfully happy personality.  He wants to be moving and active.  He's already been on prescriptions, and had colds, and is trying to break through teeth.  We've flown through diaper sizes and packed away clothes and newborn items.  And time won't slow down.  So I'm trying to teach myself that even though it's hard sometimes to let them go, the dishes and laundry can wait.  Sleep will come eventually.  I need to cherish the hours I have with our guy before he's a big ol' teenager who won't want to sing silly songs, get tickled, and laugh at mommy and daddy's crazy faces (although maybe he'll still laugh at us).

St. Patrick's Day 2015

Ephraim leaving his pediatrician appt. all decked out in green!  

He looks miserable, but he really wasn't :)

And we still made time for our yearly tradition of getting shamrock shakes on St. Patty's Day.

5 months

Balloon Manor 2015

We went to check out Balloon Manor again this year, and this time the theme was Under the Sea.  We brought our oldest niece again, and had Ephraim this time too.  It is so amazing to see what they can do with balloons!  I love attending this free event and hope that it continues to be a yearly tradition for our family.

 

 

 

There were a ton of small details, which I loved.  We could find something new on every level.  The mice jumping ship were my absolute favorite part!