you are not alone

We were honored when we were able to take part in a local photographer's very special project this past summer.  Titled "Infertility and Loss," it chronicles the journeys of five couples who have struggled through infertility, miscarriage, and perinatal loss.  It is important for us to be open to sharing our story so that others can feel understood.  There are so many who suffer their heartaches in silence, and we want to help open up communication.  Enjoy!

the story of Little L : part 1

It was a typical Wednesday (as they always are).  At 4p, I got a call from our adoption agency, and as I ran into the nearest closet at work to take the call (any extra offices and the conference room were being used), our family advocate told me that they had a last minute profiling opportunity where the baby had been born the day before.  They needed to know by 4:45p that day if we would like to move forward and be profiled.  I began my stalker-calling of Colin, who was working with gym full of kindergarten through second graders, so I had to repeatedly call and text in order for him to 1) feel his phone go off and 2) realize that there was an immediate need.  I ran through the details of the case with him, and we both quickly agreed that we were fine with moving forward.  I called our agency back, did a little quick research, and finished up my workday.  As I began my drive home, I felt like this call was different for some reason.  Why I wasn't sure, because I had become very good at just thinking that it would be another "no."  However, I started to pray non-stop about it.  At 5:15, I received a call from our agency again.  Having no time to hook up my blue-tooth, I answered after a quick debate and decided that I did not want to miss this call.  Asked if I was driving, I was instructed to pull over.  I still wasn't really feeling anything either way, just a calm as I found a parking lot and put the car in park.  Our family advocate then said, "I'm calling because I wanted to tell you that you have been chosen!"  I was in complete shock, I believe I asked, "Really?!," and began to cry.  She proceeded to go through the details and information that she needed that night and what we needed for the next day.  Still in shock, I finished my drive home, jumping in my seat, praising God out loud, and crying the whole way.

Once home, I could not wait to tell Colin.  Since he gets out of work at 6p, I knew I had until about 6:30 to try and wait patiently.  Running around the house like a chicken with my head cut off, I tried to figure out how I wanted to tell him.  I settled for making a sign and pulling out the Adoption STAR shirt we had from our first match.  Then I waited.  And waited.  At 6:45, he called and said he was just leaving now, the latest he's ever gotten out (go figure on this day of all days!).  He said I was probably texting him so much because dinner had been ready for a while (to which I replied, "Um, sure...").  I told him to hurry home and then decided I might as well make dinner since he was on his way.

When he walked through the door I couldn't contain my excitement, and told him that before he did anything else, he had to read this sign.  He seemed a little confused but quickly caught on, and I told him we had been chosen!

We tried to eat dinner, and then decided that while we knew all too well how quickly things could change at this point, we wanted to tell our parents and siblings.  So we used Mendon to tell our news.  The picture below was texted to our families, and both moms responded first asking for clarification.  Both on the phone at the same time, we told them that we were getting a puppy.  My mom resignedly said that was what she thought and went on and on about it before I interrupted her and said that was not true and that we had been chosen by a birthmom and were meting the baby the next day!  Colin's family was all in the car together, and he heard an audible collective sigh at the "puppy" news.  To which he also explained we were kidding and gave them the news.  The sweetest moment was when he heard our 5 year old niece get out of the car at the end of the call and say, "I can't wait to meet their new puppy!"  She hadn't caught on to the change in the conversation, but we knew she would be even more excited about a new cousin.

We called our employers and explained that we wouldn't be in the next day, then made lists of what we needed to get done.  I can't remember what time we climbed into bed, but I do know that I didn't sleep well.  I woke at some point in the early morning hours with major anxiety that once again we would find ourselves so close and things would change.  However, we spent the morning hours getting ready, installing the car seat, and packing overnight bags for our next adventure!

on updating

Sorry for the lull, life has been busy and I haven't had much inspiration to write.  But I want to make sure to chronicle the latest in our adoption.

We recently met with the Director of Adoption at our agency in Buffalo.  When we got our renewal paperwork, it was suggested that if we hadn't done so in a while, to schedule a face-to-face meeting to talk about how things are going and moving forward.  Since our family advocate is out on maternity leave, Kathy was nice enough to meet with us.  We knew the meeting wouldn't change anything, but I felt that we should do it because it also couldn't hurt.  And I wanted to make sure that since our advocate was out, everyone who was covering was on the same page as to where we have been, where we are, and where we're going.

We hadn't been to the agency in a long time, since we signed paperwork for our first match, but it was good to be back.  It's such an inviting place.  Kathy was so nice, and the meeting went really well.  We talked about how the past year has been, she gave a lot of weight to our failed matches instead of brushing over them for which I was thankful, and she was encouraging.  We talked about our infertility, feelings after the failed matches, and a bit of our story.  It was so nice to just talk about everything with someone, because I feel like we never had the chance to do that with someone there before.  We asked what we could do moving forward and she said that usually they have a lot of suggestions for people, but in our case she didn't really have a lot.  Our grids are so open that we aren't restricting ourselves in that way, and the only thing we could do is change our profile book into a bound soft cover and/or put our profile online.  While we don't plan to do either at the moment because we just sent them 3 new books and we don't want to incur more costs right now, it was encouraging to know that we aren't holding ourselves back.  It was also a little frustrating because it would be easier to have "easy" answers as to why we are at this stage in the process a year later, but she had our file in front of her and was explaining how we've gotten almost all of the profiling opportunity calls that they have had this past year.  Our page is almost full whereas many families get to their one year mark and have only had a few calls.  This is because we are so open in our grids, so that was good.  Now we just have to get someone to pick us and the choice to stick!  God knows who that will be and will continue to prepare us for that day.

She answered all of our questions and even said that she was glad we didn't say yes to being profiled for the latest call we had received, a case through an attorney in Florida.  We declined mostly because the fees were almost double the usual amounts, even with our agency lowering their placement fee.  It was also a case with a few more risk factors.  She said that it was smart that we know we can say no, and we talked about how hard that is, but she reminded us that if we were chosen for that case, she isn't due until October.  We would miss out on any cases until then, and if the adoption didn't go through, we would be back at square one and having been "out" of the pool for those 5 months.

One piece that we learned that is disheartening is that they are only working with about 4 or 5 birth moms right now.  While this can change, they never have control over how many women come to them and when.  Prayer that these birthmoms will get the support they need and that others will find Adoption S.T.A.R.

We left our meeting and decided to grab a bite to eat before heading back.  While waiting for our food, Kathy emailed us the answers to two questions that she had to ask about.  The fact that she responded so quickly was outstanding, especially because it was a financial question.  We got home and found the paperwork in our mailbox.  Because it's a legal file, all of our paperwork is only good for one year.  I have looked at it, put it down, and left it on the counter, but I've had no motivation to work on it.  Prayer also that we can take the time to sit down and get it all done soon.  That way we'll have done our part, and we can continue to wait for God to do His.

seeds of encouragement

Love what my desk calendar at work said today:

[learning to] move forward

A couple weeks ago we took some time to update our nursery picture in our adoption profile and mailed our profiles back out to the agency.  Especially now, after being so close, we know we are ready to have a baby and want to keep moving forward.  I still think about that sweet little girl that we were so close to meeting, but I know that she is safe with her mom.  Will I ever forget her?  No.  But I do know that she is ok; we are ok.  And I know that God knows why, for whatever reason, she wasn't meant to be our daughter.  If nothing else, we have learned that our hearts have the capacity to continue to love and hope.

When we sent everything back in, I realized I'm kind of bummed to be back in the profiling process.  Even though we only did it for a couple of months, I didn't realize how draining it was.  It was so relieving to be matched and into the next step, where we didn't have to be glued to our phones waiting for calls.  Only after, now that we are back in the pool, I have to once again get used to having my phone with me at all times, anticipating each call, taking in a lot of information, and deciding whether to be profiled or not.  And I do wonder what it will be like getting that first profiling call again.  Will we have the same excitement, or will we be more wary throughout the process this time?

And so, while we are prepared to wait again, I am trying to once again savor and enjoy the time that we have together as a married couple.  To give up my timeline and thoughts of what life would be like right now and instead embrace the fact that it will change soon enough.  Looking at our beautiful nursery, all of our cute baby gear, I can't wait to use it.  I can't wait for the day when Little L is placed in our arms forever.  When I can sneak in and watch him or her sleeping.  I just can't wait.

That's where we are at.  Moving forward in hope, with faith.  Please pray for us as we continue on!