in the thick of it

Friends it's time for an adoption update.  Because I'm struggling, and I need to write.  So no, unfortunately this will not be a happy update.

We had another profiling opportunity this month, and it was a twin case.  I was SO excited!  My mom always joked with us that we would get twins.  And I was thinking how maybe then we could go through this process once and be done.  Which is quite appealing right now (and financially much more do-able).  We once again tried not to get our hopes up, but honestly every single day the opportunity was on my mind and it's hard not to picture.  These last two weeks felt like an eternity as we waited to hear.  We got the call today that we were not chosen.

This coming after receiving a letter in the mail yesterday about our home study expiring in 90 days.  I knew it was coming, but since we don't expire until the end of July, I figured I had some time before freaking out (and was trying not to think about it yet so that said freak out wouldn't ensue earlier than necessary).  What I didn't realize is that we have to re-do everything, not just the social worker's visit, but our doctor's visits, etc.  We had already gotten a few things in the mail and updated them, so I assumed all the paperwork would be done that way, and then we could just worry about the home study in July.  I forgot that home study also means the paperwork.  And so, in order to have enough time to do it all so that we don't have a lapse, we need to start now.  Not only that but before we can be sent the paperwork to be done, we have to pay the home study renewal fee of $950.  And we have to renew our enrollment in the program, which is an annual fee of $600.  We are still trying to save enough money for if and when a placement occurs.

And so last night found me in a bad mood.  Wanting to give up.  Wishing things were different.  Missing babies who we got to name and for a few days got to rejoice in soon being home with us.  Wondering why with our open grids we still haven't had a placement.  Very much regretting that our home study social worker told us it would be quick (because even when you take comments like that with a grain of salt, you can't help but believe that the professional opinion is true).  Wondering why opening up to out of state has done nothing.  And once again stressing about finances and wishing that money, which shouldn't be an issue in finding homes for kids, wasn't a part of it.

Friends and family are having babies, enjoying time with mommy friends, and I feel like we are sitting on the sidelines not moving forward as those babies grow into toddlers and new babies come on the scene.  Who will our babies grow up with?  And I hate questioning our all-knowing, loving God, but I can't help but wonder why.  I hate feeling this way, my frustration taking over the hope that I had.  Deep down I know the process works, I've talked with and seen those families.  I know it's all in God's timing, that His will and plan are perfect, that we are young, that our families will help us with expenses, that everything happens for a reason.  But even so, I struggle.  And those who have been here know just how much of a struggle it is.  And for me, going through the adoption process also brings up all those wonderful emotions surrounding infertility too. 

Thank God we are doing this in His strength, because this girl's strength is fading fast.  Please pray for us as we find the fortitude to write the check, re-do doctor's appointments, paperwork, and later in July, social worker's visits.  And for our wait, oh the wait.  Thank you, we love and appreciate you all, without God and our support system we would be nothing.

As for you, Little L, may you come into our lives soon.  We are praying for you.